It has been a year. 365 days and I still can't drink raspberry lemonade. It's been fifty-two weeks since the Tuesday evening I was sitting on the couch drinking raspberry lemonade. I received a phone call that killed the girl I used to be and stopped time for me. I still can't get the taste out of my mouth. My grandmother, my best friend, my world. How are the numbers on the clock still changing? How dare time keep ticking while my world crashes in front of me? I was lost. The woman that supported me with every decision I made, good or bad. The woman that listened to every single word I had to say and made me feel heard. The woman that helped me love myself at a point in my life when hating myself was the easiest thing to do. My beautiful grandmother.
Growing up I always told myself that losing her would be the hardest, and boy was I right. But with the anniversary of her passing came some reflection on my part. What's happened within the past year? It has been somewhat of a blur at times, but most parts will stay with me forever. A major memory for me since her passing was getting through my first dance recital without her. I have been dancing for fourteen years so the stage is no stranger, but to say I wasn't as anxious for that recital as I was for my very first one would be a lie. How would I react looking out into the crowd searching for that one comforting smile knowing I wouldn't see it? The thing about my grandma is that she was my absolute #1 fan and losing that was a huge blow in my dance world. Without my biggest fan, who would tell me I did beautifully even though I messed up?
I struggled with this for weeks, not wanting to go to dance class because it reminded me of her. After a while I started to miss the passion I had for my sport so I needed a change. I knew I had to become my own #1 fan so that's what I began to do. Although it took some time, I began to root for myself. Telling myself "you can and you will" during particularly hard practices and letting myself be proud of a good performance came with my new-found self-assurance. I'll admit I am incredibly hard on myself, but by allowing myself to make mistakes and being proud of myself without relying on someone else to do that for me has been incredibly rewarding. Although it took some time, the acceptance I have found within myself has driven me to do a multitude of things I would've never dreamed of before, which I believe is the most important thing.
You have to be your own biggest fan. I'm sure the self-acceptance I have gained this past year is just the transfer of support my grandmother had for me and oh how I wish I could thank her for that. The opportunities that have come within this past year are all thanks to the lessons she taught me for sixteen years and I can only hope she's proud. Although I still can't drink raspberry lemonade, the passing of my grandmother has taught me to cherish myself and that's a little more important than fancy lemonade. Time still ticks and my world has begun turning again, but I will never be the same person I was a year ago today. I encourage you to think back to before you lost a significant loved one. How have you changed? How did their loss impact who you are today?
