It’s basic girl code to take your bestie’s side when someone has betrayed her. She comes crying and you man your battle station, completely prepared to strap on your gladiators and defend her to your death. You feel your purpose in this moment is to pump her with self-confidence and assure her that whatever her betrayer did was “like totally uncalled for.” If you don’t take her side, are you really her person?

Actually—unfailingly siding with her might be the most toxic thing you will ever do in your friendship. Her personal schema may cloud her judgment. It is, therefore, your duty as BFF to view the situation from the most unbiased stand point possible in order to guide her in the proper direction.

One of life’s most difficult obstacles is to separate one’s own biased perceptions from the truth that is reality. Emotions are powerfully blinding. In the heat of the moment, your friend may resort to more primitive instincts and pounce on her victim when, in fact, that reaction was completely inappropriate. We are all susceptible to such mistakes. It is, therefore, a best friend's obligation to try your best to be the voice of reason for your sista from anotha mista when she is too fragile to do it on her own. The bestie must make it her personal mission to see the whole painting, rather than the rough sketch.

More often than not, a person will see what he or she wants to see rather than what reality presents. I sometimes question whether we can ever truly separate from our innate egocentricity. Every experience we have ever encountered has shaped us into the people we are today. Our thoughts and perceptions are a reflection of where we have been and what we have seen. Our actions are dictated by our personal mental construction of reality. These interpretations can deceivingly guide us down a destructive and misguided path. Cue the best friend. This is where your services are so desperately needed.

Let’s role-play for a moment. Say your friend is the jealous type. She will likely perceive her boyfriend’s friendly communication with another girl as entirely flirtatious and grounds for an argument. From his perspective, it is merely a platonic conversation between two peers. Evidently, this creates a bit of a dilemma. She has now constructed this awful perception of a dishonest boyfriend and this newfound feeling of betrayal has sparked a fire within her. Instead of showering her boyfriend with endearment, she freezes him out.

If you, her best friend, are doing your job right, you will first consider alternate explanations as to why he was talking to the alleged “mistress.” The best friend will be cautious before spewing out support from the peanut gallery. If your friend is in the wrong, and her mental construction of the situation is inaccurate, backing her behavior can cause her more harm than good. Best friends don’t sugarcoat; they tell it like it is.

Our emotions and schemas are ultimately what separate humans from computers. It is because of this that we are bound to errors in judgment. We are constantly constructing perceptions, and these perceptions are largely influenced by past experiences and current emotional states. It is therefore, the responsibility of the best friend to step in and reevaluate the situation.

A BFF should remind her friend of the cliché that has been beaten into our minds since the era of children’s books and nursery rhymes. That is, if you walk a mile in someone else’s shoes, you will feel their blisters and endure their pain. As a result, you will refrain from forming such quick judgments and open yourself up to the reality of the situation.

With the help of the best friend, she could have the ability to lace up her boyfriend’s sneakers and go for a jog; she could feel the confusion and pain when she is slapped with the chill of the cold shoulder she has been throwing his way. She would have the ability to fathom the fact that he genuinely conversed with that supposed “secret lover” in a purely platonic manner. In turn, she would throw a heating pad over her cold shoulder and avoid the misunderstanding entirely. And the BFF saves the day once again.

Remember friends --everything is not what it seems. Sometimes, it takes the help of a bestie to realize that.