For those of you who do not know, I suffer from a traumatic brain injury. It's called diffuse axonal injury, or DAI for short. Rather than bore you with an explanation of what it is (click the link if you're curious), I'd rather attempt to reveal how it impacts my life.
Some parts of my brain function better than others. This is especially true with my memory; the DAI significantly impacts the hippocampus region of my brain, where my short-term memory functions. As a way to compensate for its pathetic attempt to recollect recent events, my brain has a stronger connection to its long-term memory. Many times throughout my life, with little-to-no trigger needed, a vivid flashback has occurred. I leave whatever room I'm in, and...I enjoy the trip to memory lane.
I'd like to share with you one flashback that happened recently. I was flipping through the channels on my TV, trying to kill time before work...when I zoomed past channel 188.
Suddenly, the year was 2011 and I was lounging around in my house. For whatever reason, I decided to put on 188: MTV Hits. This channel's purpose is to play music video after music video, of all things both mainstream and underground. I was just about to change the channel when I read who the next artist would be:
Having listened to their music before and favoring their style of bringing serious topics to light, I figured, why not? If you don't mind, I'd like for you to watch the same short four-minute video I did.
I'd never cried over watching a music video before, and maybe if I weren't alone in the comfort of my own home, it wouldn't have been so easy. But not only did I cry 30 seconds into the video, I sobbed for a good 15 minutes after it ended.
The part that hits most is, "Born free but still they hate / Born me, no I can't change."
The thought of being a target for humiliation just because of who you find attractive stings. Now, I was bullied for most of my younger years, but it was simple hazing for being a nerd. Mostly, I was just being called an "Einstein" or a "know-it-all" (which, thinking back, weren't really that much of an insult), but it hurt me nonetheless. But watching this video...I witnessed a new kind of evil. And yes, I know that the events shown are pieces of fiction, but the names called at 3:04...those were real names of people who could not bear to live with this exacttype of constant bullying.
"And too much blood has flown from the wrists/ Of the children shamed for those they chose to kiss."
As something as personal and private as love...to be mocked for that...I choke at the thought. If this has ever happened to you, I apologize for the unnecessary cruelty that you have experienced. Let me tell you that, just like the video's ending, it's not too late. It's never too late. There will be a day when you will be liberated from persecution. You remember my words: You will find happy days again.
And just like that...the flashback ended as I zoomed to channel 189. 190. Five minutes had happened between seconds. My throat lumped. My eyes began to stream.
Most people say I live life too much "in my head," and I wish they knew the extent of it.
If you're reading this, I want you to know that you have a friend in me. (I stole that line from the best movie ever, "Toy Story," which is another flashback for another day). But you remember that if you need someone, please do not hesitate to reach me.
