I think it's safe to say that most of us tend to look back on our past as a way to reflect on how far we've come since a certain point. Whether it's good or bad, it's easy to remember key things that helped make us into who we are today. I think for some people, including myself, we use the past to ultimately define who we are as a person in the present.
I see and hear myself constantly bringing up certain events from my past and tend to use them as excuses as to why I am acting a certain way. Whether it's dealing with a relationship, school, how we act or react to certain situations, it is easy to put the blame on a person or event from your past to justify why you are doing something that you know isn't right. For me, personally, I tend to blame my explosive anger and emotion on my shitty past.
And yes, I am extremely aware that I do this and for some reason, I can't stop it. I can't handle the wave of emotions that engulf me as I am put in a situation that triggers a memory from my past and most of the time, I tend to try and let it slide with the line: "I can't seem to let go of my past". It's almost as if I am letting my past define me. Actually, that is exactly what I am doing. I continuously think that it is impossible to move foward in certain areas of my life because of the challenging past I have had to encounter. I don't enjoy that these horrendous memories are affecting me years later, but for some reason they won't go away. It's not that I think about them on a daily basis, it only becomes an issue when certain situations start to feel like the ones I was put in before. The outcome could be completely different, but since I am always so worried about something happening to me again that I know I wouldn't be able to handle all that well, I panic. I start to put up a wall and do whatever I can in my power to make sure I am not put in that situation ever again. This past of mine is defining who I am more and more as the days and weeks go on.
It's starting to cost me my own sanity at this point. When I keep remembering things from my past, I keep thinking to myself that this is who I am, or better yet, who I have to be. This is the furthest thing from the truth. And I know I may seem like a hypocrite trying to state that your past doesn't define you when I am literally stating that I feel the exact opposite, but the difference is I know that I am wrong for feeling that way. I am aware that it is the furthest thing from the truth.
My past has shaped me into who I am today, but it does not define who I am as a person. You can always change the way you are shaped, not only physically, but also mentally. You can always work on fixing how you move forward with the memories of your past. I know that my past has given me so many different obstacles, but somehow I got through each and every one of them. My past has brought upon many different burdens in my life, many of them that I am still attempting to sort out years later, but my past has also made me stronger and does not define who I am.
