I remember glaring at one pink line and a faint second one. I remember picking my phone up to text a friend just to ask to be sure. I remember calling your aunt in to stand and glare with me at what was the most defining moment of my life. I thought, “No, this isn’t how this is supposed to go.” And, “What will my Daddy think?” At this point, I had just signed a lease to start a new journey in Tuscaloosa. As I stood there realizing just what was happening, I began to remember the prayer I had prayed two weeks prior to this event. “God, if you do not want me in Tuscaloosa, please do not send me there. No matter what I want, give me what I need.”
I prayed this prayer so absentmindedly not because I wanted to get pregnant, but because your father and I had just swapped our first, “I love you’s.” But I want you to know that there is not a day goes by that I don’t think about that prayer and how differently my life would’ve gone had I not got on the floor in my bedroom and let those words leave my mouth.
From the moment you were born, I was an emotional wreck. I never felt like I knew the right things to do, and sometimes I still feel that way. I would be in tears trying to learn all of your cries because the last thing I ever wanted to do was fail you. I still remember the first time you looked at me with those perfect eyes and melted away every bit hatred I had for this world. I also feel that I have a new understanding of our Heavenly Father’s love for us. I can thank you for that. I can thank you for sometimes being the only one that I truly felt had confidence in me.
See for me, you marked a new journey. I was a new person all because of you. I became more responsible and started seeing myself through a different set of tiny eyes. I began understanding what true sacrifice meant, even down to not consuming Mexican for four weeks because I thought it may hurt your belly or holding on for dear life lying on about six inches of the bed just to stare at you. But not just because you are my child and I love every fiber of your being, but because I had finally done something worth being proud of. You are my joy, my happiness, and honestly, my best friend.
So today, as you run around the room blowing me kisses, I will cherish every moment I have with you. I will read "The Nose Book" by Dr. Seuss with you as many times as you want. I will tote every bit of 27 pounds around on my hip because you are the reason I’m living.
I never understood why when I was younger my parents would always say, “You’ll understand when you have children of your own.” But now I understand. It’s just not something one could comprehend without looking into your own flesh and blood’s eyes for the first time and tears rolling off of your face because you literally cannot handle the love. So to me, you are no mistake. You are everything I’ve always needed. I might feel worthless to others sometimes, but I am priceless to you. Thank you for that.
“If ever you must die, sweetheart, die knowing your life was my life’s best part.”
Mom
