As a young child I was always obsessed with the love stories that were approached in romance novels and movies. But never did I think that the bad things that happened could actually happen to me. I had always thought that the scenes where the man hit the woman was always fake, a sense of suspense to the story. But I guess I had never put two and two together for the real effect it would have on my life.

I'm a twenty-two year old single mother and I have only had four serious relationships. My first was probably the worst of the four and I say that with a heavy heart because it's sad to think that he was actually my first serious relationship. Eighteen years old and I met the supposed "love of my life". I had witnessed a lot of firsts with him as I was led to believe that I to was the love of his life. He was first guy I got engaged to, the first guy I had a child with, but definitely not the first guy to cheat on me and try to hide it.

There is a big dilemma between physical and emotional abuse. Which is worse? In my eyes, emotional abuse is way worse. Because as you would witness physical abuse, the bruises will heal and the pain will fade. But with emotional abuse, it takes forever, sometimes never to heal from the pain you've witnessed. I am a victim of both physical and emotional abuse and I speak up first hand by saying that emotional worse.

I had always thought and had a dream of being happily married and with a family by the age of twenty-three. But being emotionally abused for 2 years in a loveless relationship, it's hard for your dreams to come true. I can't say I don't believe in second chances, but my first love definitely ruined the idea for me. I've lost track of what love really is, I'm not even sure if I'm capable of loving someone anymore.

My second serious relationship was with a guy shortly after moving, in which I was highly medicated from getting out of the hospital and I just couldn't find any emotion for him. I felt bad for leading on a man that I couldn't love, but he had insisted that we be together. Shortly after i had broken things off and I hadn't dated again for almost a year. The same thing happened with my next boyfriend. I felt like I was leading on a man when I couldn't find any emotion for him. It made me feel terrible when I had to break things off with him, but it wasn't right to make someone be there when you don't want them. No matter how much they want to be with you.

I swore off dating for awhile and just when i had finally became content with the idea of being alone, my last boyfriend walked into my life. I hadn't wanted a relationship, I hadn't wanted anything more than a new found friendship. But that didn't last long and we wound up dating anyway. I fell for him rather quickly, but fell out of love just as quick when I had found out what kind of man he truly was. He had put on quite the front when we met, but sadly some of his flaws just kept slipping out one at a time. He had anger issues, which he took out on me. He was an alcoholic, but yet denied it. And he became just as emotionally abusive as my first boyfriend. Only four serious relationships, yet not one has stuck.

I feel broken, I feel unattached.

Even though I have only had four serious relationships, I can still remember the short term relationships I've had in the past. Or the short "hidden" relationships I've had in the past. Nevertheless, not one has lasted.

Being in these type of relationships where the man only wants to abuse me or cheat on me. I have lost interest in relationships altogether. I've lost the will power to even try to be with someone. My idea of love is flawed. It's never how it seems in the romance novels. This isn't the story where the woman wins over the man. Or the man comes back into town after twelve years only to rekindle his love for the one woman he loves. It's reality. And it sucks.