You Have Left Me No Choice

You Have Left Me No Choice

I didn't want to walk away and lose this friendship, but you have left me no choice.

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I never expected our friendship to be in this spot. I never expected to not have talked to you for months. Yet here we are, and everything keeps getting worse. I've tried to talk, help you, to understand, but I can't keep trying if you're not willing to fix what needs to be fixed on your end.

We started out so strong. Just two girls in college trying to learn how to do life as an adult the best we can. We laughed, sang, danced, and made some incredible memories that I will always remember. I hope you will remember them too. I constantly think back to try and figure out where things went wrong.

One minute you are helping me get through my mental health issues and help me get back up on my feet. The only person who could make me laugh and get me out of bed was you. The next minute, it is as if I am below you. That whatever I say, you don't need to listen to.

I appreciate everything that you have done for me and would've done for me. Never, ever doubt that. My loyalty to my friends is one of my best strengths. I can say that confidently because I know it is a fact.

I know, because I have been here before. Last time, I hurt myself by letting my "friend" treat me like crap and everyone else around them. I didn't stand up for myself or anyone else they were hurting. Now I am finally in a great place, so I can't let that happen again. I will not let that happen again.

I want to know what happened. I want to know what changed. I have heard for years, since we became friends, not to be friends with you from other people. I'm not going to lie. That made me feel bad for you because I had been in your shoes. People I thought who were my friends told others not to be friends with me.

It's not fun, but I grew from that. I let people see who I truly am, and I feel as though you're still hiding. For what though, I will never understand. I chose to be your friend, I chose to get to know you and all of the wonderful things we got to do together. When it came to others though you became someone completely different. Like you were trying to prove yourself to someone.

I stayed true to our friendship even when it became grey, and I lost touch with some of my other friends because they didn't want to be around your negativity. I couldn't see what they saw then, I do now.

It became hard to be around your negativity, and it was every time I saw or hung out with you. It is draining listening to the same complaints all of the time. There is nothing positive, and I can't have negativity in my life anymore if I want to stay in my healthy positive mindset.

My sweet girl, you have imploded on yourself, and I need you to wake up so you can see what you've caused. This lava is getting hotter, and you're pushing more and more people away.

I wish nothing but the best for you, I always have. I know I have said some things to you that you are mad about. I was blunt, and I will not lie about that. I have always been honest with you. Someone had to finally say something.

I had others thank me for speaking up because they could've never done what I did. My only regret is that I didn't get to do it in person.

You are hurting. I know you are, and I have tried for so long to help you realize what truly matters. Let the little things go sweet girl, and see the bigger picture. How you communicate with others is the most important thing.

I never want you to be alone, but that is where I see you're heading if you don't wake up. It is scary asking for help, and admitting when you are in the wrong. I know because I had to do it to help myself.

My speeches, advice after advice, and listening to your ranting sessions are over. You are not listening. You say you are, but your actions speak louder than your words. Believe me or not, I still worry about you.

The minute I sent you that message, calling you out on your behavior towards the people who care most about you, I cried. I honestly did. I knew I crossed a line that would become extremely sensitive.

The lava is still running and it has been months. Are you tired yet, sweet girl? Are you seeing a connection of why everyone is walking away? Please tell me you do because I am afraid I can no longer help you.

I want you to find yourself, and only yourself. Who are you? What do you truly want? Let the ashes fall and start reconnecting the bridges you've burned. Hopefully one day I will get to be a part of that process. Unfortunately, that can not be right now. I can't be the one to help you anymore. I didn't want to walk away and lose this friendship, but you have left me no choice.

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A Letter To My Freshman Dorm Room As I Pack Up My Things

Somehow a 15' x 12' room became a home.

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Dear Geary 411,

With your creaky beds, concrete walls, and mismatched tile floors, you are easily overlooked as just another room we were randomly assigned to— but you were different. Inside your old walls, I have made some of the best memories of my life that I will hold on to forever.

Thank you for welcoming my neighbors in with open arms who quickly became friends who didn't knock and walked in like you were their own.

I feel like an apology is needed.

We're sorry for blaring the music so loud while getting ready and acting like we can actually sing when, in reality, we know we can't. Sorry for the dance parties that got a bit out of control and ended with us standing on the desks. Sorry for the cases of the late-night giggles that came out of nowhere and just would not go away. Sorry for the homesick cries and the "I failed my test" cries and the "I'm dropping out" cries. We're sorry for hating you at first. All we saw was a tiny and insanely hot room, we had no idea what you would bring to us.

Thank you for providing me with memories of my first college friends and college experiences.

As I stand at the door looking at the bare room that I first walked into nine months ago I see so much more than just a room. I see lots and lots of dinners being eaten at the desks filled with stories of our days. I see three girls sitting on the floor laughing at God knows what. I see late night ice cream runs and dance battles. I see long nights of homework and much-needed naps. Most importantly, I look at the bed and see a girl who sat and watched her parents leave in August and was absolutely terrified, and as I lock you up for the last time today, I am so proud of who that terrified girl is now and how much she has grown.

Thank you for being a space where I could grow, where I was tested physically, mentally and emotionally and for being my home for a year.

Sincerely,

A girl who is sad to go

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When Was The Last Time You Were Alive?

If you can't post it for everyone to see, was it truly a remarkable moment?

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Being alive is an essentially effortless act.

In theory, as long as you're eating food, drinking water, and performing as a human, assuming no major health conditions, most of us are living.

The tragedy I see most often is so very few of us are alive.

Now, I'm not suggesting you drop your textbooks and sprint up a mountain, or go broke trying to find yourself in new activities and events.

That's the illusion pressed onto so many of us. Social Media, more importantly, FOMO, has taught us that in order to truly be alive we need to make sure we travel far and wide, eat gourmet and unique food, and essentially, immerse ourselves in something phenomenal. However, regardless of what you do- don't do it without an audience and the value of your experience will only be justified by the number of likes you accrue on your #bestvacation ever because you #lovenature. With your back to the camera and wispy hair flowing in the beach air, you hit all of your angles, how else will you prove that you're alive to Instagram?

I fell for this too. I spent so much of my life constantly trying to get to the next phase life had to offer. High school was fun, but I was counting the days until graduation. Growing up in a small hometown wasn't awful, but I had sticky note calendars until my next vacation. And day in and day out, events would happen all around me that were just too "normal." I wasn't alive, but I was living.

Setting your soul on fire and truly living is so much more difficult than you could ever expect, but not because you have to drain savings and take along a buddy to snap all the perfect moments.

Choosing to be alive is realizing how important it is to be in this moment or phase in life and accepting it for all its worth. Instead of racing to the finish line or trying to sprint into your next season of assumed happiness, take time to notice all the beautiful and small things that make this moment so important. There is so much life to be found in simple moments.

Semesters are ending, we are all racing to summer. Perhaps in the process, take note of the routine cafeteria worker that constantly smiles at you and says hello. Or perhaps, giggle at the fact that in just a few short weeks that bus driver you see every single morning won't be apart of your morning routine.

The farther I get from what used to be my normal, the more I miss that season of life. I haven't lived in my hometown since I was eighteen, but I miss the simplicity that came with my drives to high school listening to Kanye West and the coziness of a small town opening its doors to start a new day. I never stopped to be alive in those moments, I was just simply living.

Wherever your next phase of life might be, it will always be there. You will always have something else coming. However, once this moment is gone. It's truly gone. Don't waste beautiful views trying to capture just the right picture for Instagram, take in the moment.

Living and experiencing life can be as simple as trusting that you're exactly where you need to be in life. Cherish each moment as you're in it. The next moment is coming whether you're ready or not.

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