I have been told time and time again:
“You’re too sensitive.”
“You have too much faith in people. You will find people that are going to disappoint you and some will leave you.”
“You care too much and you’re eventually just going to get hurt.”
“You should really guard your heart, that way you don’t get hurt by others.”
All of this may be true and at times, the words by others, sometimes close friends, destroyed me. I used to think that I was weird and strange – an outcast – for caring about people and loving them. When I honestly think about it, it wasn’t necessarily because of what they said but the tone of their voice and how they looked when they said those words that hurt me most of all. I don’t know if I can fully explain it but they instantly made me feel less of a person than them. It was like a part of me was inadequate and that I should destroy that part of my personality.
I definitely don’t think they meant to come across that way or hurt me like they did, but I instantly wanted to crawl underneath a rock. Inside, I was screaming, “run!” I can still remember the heat spiking to my cheeks and feeling flushed – out of breath. I had just been sucker punched. This was a big part of my identity and the person I was with others, and yet the people that I had thought were close to me, were somehow telling me it was too much – it was bad, tainted, and ugly. My biggest insecurity brought to life – I wasn’t good enough.
How does someone forget that? How does someone even get over something like that? The logical thing, which I convinced myself of, was to harden my heart. I was going to distance myself emotionally and push them away so, that way; I could never be hurt again. I was going to stop being me, to put it plainly. I remember thinking to myself one night “it hurts too much too care and I don’t want to get my heartbroken again”.
I tried to harden my heart. Believe me, I tried. But I was hardwired to care about people – to love them. Yeah sure, I still get told that I’m going to be trampled over like a doormat, that I need to guard my heart and that caring too much about people won't make me a good leader, among other expressions. However, the words that used to kill me, are now the words I fully embrace. I understand that I may be someone who is sensitive, that I put too much faith in people, that I may expect others to feel and act the same, but that doesn’t stop me from fully committing and for caring about them wholeheartedly.
"A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another."
John 13: 34 (NIV)
To those whoever thought caring about people was going to in fact going to be painful to an individual, I ask: when did it become such a bad thing to care about people? I embrace that part of me. I realize now that it is a gift that I have been given from God, and will help me not hurt me. I was created to love others and care about them, and since I have high energy fueling that gift, I know it will support me in my future endeavors and relationships with others all over the world.
