Every so often we come across people in life who are troubled or have a few quirks about them we feel that we can help fix. They are unaware and blind to their attitudes, bad decisions or wrong doings. They are the victims. In every situation these people find a way to twist and turn the actual truth so it plays out in their favor. We as the “fixers” persevere through it and give them the benefit of the doubt. We see the potential worthiness they are capable of. Or maybe it’s just what we believe they are capable of…
We pour our heart and souls into these individuals. We invest our time, emotions and love. Whether it’s lifelong friendships that are 80:20 or a family member you’ve dealt with your whole life. Giving pep talks when they are down in the dumps. Putting ourselves out on the line so that person can keep their head above water. The efforts we provide are endless. I’ve learned a really, really tough life lesson, though, one that has been difficult for me to grasp. You can’t help someone who doesn’t want to be helped. You can’t help someone who doesn’t see that they need help.
I’ve learned that it doesn’t matter how bad you want this person to be better or see the truth. If they aren’t willing, it will never happen. You will end up hurting yourself more than anything. Your time and energy? Wasted. They will continue to trek down the same destructive path and time after time you are being dragged down it with them. At times you become the nemesis. Why? When you speak on their behavior or bring what’s right and wrong to light, they get defensive. These people that you care so much for and are only trying to help make you the enemy. You see, in their mind, you’re no longer on their side. You’re not agreeing with irrational statements or backing their bad behavior. You become the one on the other team now. It’s a sad and vicious cycle and one that is nearly impossible to break.
Here’s what I’ve concluded -- you don’t deserve that. It’s not fair that you see more of their self worth than they do. That you are willing to do more for the benefit of their life than they are. You would bend over backwards to help them be better. As a fixer, you want to support and encourage. As a self-proclaimed victim, they don’t even see what they are doing wrong, nor do they even attempt to recognize it. You’re investing everything you have into these exhausting relationships and getting no progress or acknowledgement in return. Unfortunately, you become the one that continuously suffers.
Stop letting yourself get dragged through the mud and simply do one thing; love and accept these people for who they are. Realize you can only do so much for them and just fathom that in their minds they do no wrong and deem themselves as a victim. Understand that it’s not your problem. While you may see the damage they do, don’t let it bring you down. Remember, you can’t help the helpless.
