How annoying is it when something bad happens to you? Super annoying, right?
Your initial response is to ask, “Why God? Why me? I’m perfect and I never do anything wrong. I'm nice, I'm funny and I slightly resemble James Franco when he hasn’t showered.” You go on the defensive, because like everyone else in the world you are biased towards yourself.
This means, though, that instead of taking responsibility for your actions, you are either blaming the circumstances, or worse, another person, which in some cases may be valid.
This is very normal, but that doesn't make it any less annoying.
People jump to playing the victim because it is an easy out. They don’t want to believe they are capable of doing anything wrong because they have been trained, probably since the day they were born, to pass their problems onto something or someone else.
Accountability is very hard for a lot of people, and I'm not sure why. There is no shame in being flawed or making mistakes.
In my last article, “What The Slammer Taught Me”, I discussed at length the horrors of going to jail. I lost friendships, became the laughing stock of my hometown and embarrassed my family. I responded very poorly, and did just what I am critiquing; played the victim.
I got myself into that mess and it was my job to get myself out of it.
Dating farther back, in high school, my father was my hockey coach, and because he was my coach I took a lot of unwarranted criticism from a lot of people. I was a mediocre (at best) hockey player and so there were several people (teammates, opponents, parents, random people) who felt that my spot was unearned and given to me, of course, because my dad was my coach.
When I was dealt this incredibly tough hand, I had one of two options: (1) I could either put what everyone was saying behind me and play the game I love, despite not being a star, or (2) I could believe what everyone was saying and let that define me.
I chose the second option and once again played the victim.
I didn’t enjoy playing anymore and spent my last year just waiting for the season to end. In fact, every time I got out on the ice I just wanted to get off right away because I didn’t want to make a mistake and be subjected to yet another grammatically incorrect, but nonetheless hurtful, Facebook status from middle-aged Herb Brooks wannabes.
Because I allowed the criticism to get to me I didn’t perform to the best of my ability, which meant that I was validating all of my criticizer’s points. Someone else probably was deserving of my spot.
Then of course there are the poor teachers who have had to deal with me for the past 15 years and read emails that go something along the lines of, “Hi, I was wondering if you could round my 86% up to a 90% so I can get an A in your class. My grades are really important to me. P.S. sorry for skipping your class twice a week.”
I remember my professor emailing me back saying something like, "Hi, I'm not going to give you an A" and me being legitimately pissed about it. Where do I get the nerve asking a teacher for a favor like that when I don’t go to any of the classes (literally none, that class was held on Tuesdays and Thursdays but that class was also Intro to Astronomy).
The moral of the story is someone, somewhere has it much worse than I, which means probably the same for you (yes you who is probably reading this on your iPhone 6+).
I’m not saying that your problems don’t matter, because they do, but you are not a victim in the same way an 11-year-old who was abducted, held captive for 18 years and forced to have children with their abductor is (Jaycee Dugard, check out her book A Stolen Life).
What I am saying, though, is that if you are reading this article you are probably old enough to recognize the fact that miscommunication happens, people change and life throws and will continue to throw obstacles your way whether you are ready for them or not.
When life serves you lemons make lemonade, and when ignorant people say ignorant things keep your head high and your middle finger higher.
While you might be completely justified in thinking that you were wronged, the person or thing that wronged you probably had a reason for doing so. In other words, while you might think yourself to be the victim, in someone else’s eyes you are the martyr. Louie C.K. said it best when he said, "When someone tells you that you hurt them, you don't get to decide that you didn't."
Life is about choices and those choices have a major influence on the life we live and the people we become. Be careful of who you allow yourself to be.
That being said you have the choice to either be a victim or a survivor. Be the latter, it's more interesting.
