Sometimes the monsters in our childhood are real, they hurt us, threaten, and scare us. These monsters can be people who are close to us, the ones we expect to be able to trust. I am a survivor of one of these monsters. I am a survivor of sexual abuse. I have spent my life feeling ashamed and guilty; most survivors blame themselves. The scars I was left with may never heal. I may never regain all my childhood memories, or be able to trust people like I wish I could. I will always have flashbacks out of nowhere, for no reason, and I will always be overprotective of my children. This monster took so much from me at a young age, that I will live with these memories for the rest of my life, but I will not let him consume every part of it, or my thoughts. I want to love myself, and know that what happened to me it is not my fault. I cannot let that determine who I am. I need to let myself know what my worth is. Here is my #SurvivorLoveLetter:
Dear Me,
At five years old you could not have stopped what happened to you. A child is suppose to be able to trust those close to us. What happened to you was not okay, and it was not your fault. An adult made a choice to do something awful to you and there is no excuse for their actions. I know the guilt you felt at seeing your family fall apart in front of your eyes, and that is something no child should ever feel. I know you don't understand why you had to go away, and your guilt became stronger, but you had no control in what happened next. All you needed to know was how much courage you had at such a young age.
As you grew older, I know your feelings and nightmares only haunted you more. You battled the demons within yourself and you came out stronger. You might have never saw it, or felt like it, but you have always been strong and brave. You have a huge heart, and would do anything for anyone. You need to love yourself.
I know as a mom your emotions and feelings have changed drastically. You worry constantly because you are afraid you cannot protect your children. You have let yourself be consumed by depression, and your PTSD, and at times, you just can't let yourself be happy. It is time for you to look in the mirror and see the person you really are. You are a survivor, a warrior, you are beautiful, strong, caring, and amazing. Yes, you still have daily battles, and that is normal, but you will get through it. You need to let yourself be happy, and free yourself from this guilt and shame you continue to feel. Don't let your past define you. Take control of your life, and be the woman I know you are. Please take the time to see who you really are, and not what your past makes you see! Love yourself!
