She sat by him as she had promised she wouldn't leave.
She sat as he cried.
She kept her arms around him. Protecting him in her warm embrace.
The day started fading and night took its place.
She wiped his tears but knew that new ones would take their place.
He was hurting and all she could do was see.
He sobbed. He cried. He muffled his tears.
What could she do to ease his pain?
She whispered I'm here. I love you.
He cried harder. The memories just wouldn't go away.
She sat by him as he cried.
She sat by him as he sat by her grave.
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It's been months since my wife left me. But I still find it difficult to continue on this treacherous journey of life without her companionship. While taking the holy vows of marriage, she had promised me she'd never leave me. But now I'm left alone in this oh-so-crowded world. Or am I? Am I as alone as I feel or is she still with me? Does she continue to keep her promise or, as I dread, has she turned back on her words? I search for her at places I think she would be. I search for her in time and in memories, hoping that as I desperately try and reach out for her, she too will reach out to me. Because without her presence in my life, I fail to find any solid purpose. She couldn't have just vanished into thin air now could she? She has to be somewhere….. I just have to find her so I could carry her with me in the next chapter of my life. Will I, though? Or am I all alone?
It is a curious thing, the death of a loved one. We all know that our time in this world is limited and that eventually all of us will end up underneath some sheet, never to wake up. And yet it is always a surprise when it happens to someone we know. It is like walking up the stairs to your bedroom in the dark, and thinking there is one more stair than there is. Your foot falls through the air, and there is a sickly moment of dark surprise as you try and readjust the way you thought of things. But it takes time to readjust, for the wounds to heal. My family and friends were with me, supported me through this terrible ordeal. But now, they all wanted me to move ahead, to put this incident behind me.
But here's the thing – When you lose someone, it says with you forever. Always reminding you how easy it is to get hurt. It's been months. Time continues to turn the pages of the book it's burned. But still, I knew that if someone spoke to me about her or looked at me too closely the tears would fly out of my eyes and the sobs would fly out of my throat and I'd cry for a week. I could feel the tears brimming and sloshing in me like water in a glass that is unsteady and too full. I missed her terribly. Her absence made me feel incomplete, alone. Like something was missing. I found it difficult to wrap my head around the fact that she simply didn't exist anymore. It wasn't as if I had given up. I was trying to move ahead, to get on with life. As she rested in peace in her grave, I too was trying to live in peace, with her memories. But every time I tried to move ahead, I felt like I still needed her. Needed her to be there, to watch as took on this new phase in life.
In this attempt of calming some of the pain that I felt inside me, I visited the town church. It was afternoon and there were hardly any people in the church. The priest here is a friendly chap. He knows everyone in this town. As he comes towards where I sit, I'm sure he knows my story too. He sat next to me without saying anything. We sat that way for a few minutes. The church was now quite empty. "Why did she leave me?" I asked to no one particular. "But she never left you, son." I looked at the priest. "She is no longer with me, Father", I said. "Of course she is" he replied. "The people, who truly love us, never leave us. They make sure we are never alone. They stay with us until the very end. In here" he said, pointing at my heart. I sat in the church for some time after the priest left.
When I stepped outside, I realized it was evening. I strolled over to the beach. The sea always has a calming effect on me. I shared many memories of this beach with her. I reminisced all of them. It felt like she was there with me. Taking in the view of the setting sun as I was. Her memories, the feel of her presence warmed me from the inside.
The priest was right.
We truly are never alone.
