I am tired.
I am drained emotionally, mentally and physically. All that is left of me is a shell full of disappointment and hurt. And the sad part is I still continuously ask myself, where did we go wrong? How did we even get to this place?
The thought of losing you used to fill me with unbearable pain but now it leaves me wondering. Wondering if having you is even worth what is was? Wondering if maybe we aren't as perfect as we thought we were? Because at this point, the fact that we constantly keep trying to make this to work has turned what we had into a toxic facade of a relationship. We aren't what we used to be.
I no longer look at you with admiration, I look at you with pain. A pain that you have inflicted upon me. A pain that seems to consume me. A pain that although at times seems unbearable, is strong enough to remind me of all the feelings I still have for you.
And the sad part is that I love you. I love you with every fiber of my being, with every part of me that is alive. And yet, you are no longer a part of my reality.
The person who I fell in love with is no longer a part of you. You are literally not who I thought you were... and this saddens me. It saddens me because of what I wanted with you. Because you painted a picture of us that wasn’t even for you. You had me out here thinking that shit was working out but it turns out this wasn't even for you.
But that’s okay... because no matter what I will always be there for you.
And this is where the pain comes from. It's not just about the fact that I love you but more so about the fact that I care for you. Your well being concerns me which is why I can't turn a blind eye and leave you behind. I will even go as far as putting your well being before mine. But no more of that, because I have to be selfish.
I have to come to terms with my reality. I have to finally accept that your love was never for me and it never will be.
Someone who is finally ready to let go.