The Crime That Took My Life But Kept Me On Earth

The Crime That Took My Life But Kept Me On Earth

Yes, I was sexually assaulted. No, I wasn't asking for it.

Skin tight and exposed

I was the only one lingering in a man infested cave

I wondered innocently throughout the shop

The thought of a man watching me with impurity never crossed my mind.

I was clean.

Filth was all around me but I was clean.

Untouched

I was sure that wasn't going to change, but I didn't have a choice.

Skin tight and exposed

I was the only girl lingering in the cold wet winter

Too happy to care.

After all, I had just turned 15 the day before.

Skin tight and exposed

That was my first mistake.

People might scold my feeling of guilt that still seems to creep up. To that, I say that all mistakes are unfortunate, and they can't be changed by others saying otherwise.

Skin tight and exposed

I stood and walked towards the bathroom without stopping

My second mistake.

But I was clean and that wasn't going to change

He put his hands on me anyway

He touched every inch of me

every inch of my body was being stripped of its innocence.

My ankles when I was dragged.

My wrists when they were gripped in his fingers and pressed against the ground.

It was the darkness

The darkness shielded me from the scene I couldn't bear to see and feel.

So I just felt.

I felt my shirt rip, my bra pulled down to reveal nothing but mere satisfaction to him he needed more. I felt my leggings at my thighs, my knees, then feet.

Making it all the more difficult to fight with my legs

My face was against his neck.

His tongue traveled to my mouth, my cheeks.

I wanted to know what he gained from this but all I could think of was what I was losing.

I had never felt such a surge of strength when I felt his hand going lower than anyone has ever touched me

I was free for what must have been 3 seconds.

The screech that came from soul and tired out my lungs held all my will in it, all my hope someone could hear me. All it took was his fist to my ribs and it was silenced.

The silence was so loud he stopped it with the sound of his belt unbuckling and him against me.

He was finally ripped off of me but I felt no relief.

I felt nothing

I was finished.

Skin and exposed

I had nothing left.

Skin and exposed

there was nothing else that could have been done to me to make me feel less attached to happiness.

I was convinced it was never going to be felt again

I can't remember the first thing I thought of

But I can guarantee it had something to do with how much I wanted to abandon this body

To rip off my skin and throw myself away with it.

How much I wanted to end myself and how nothing about myself mattered

This has defined me and my life

It determined everything.

He took it all with him

He took me all with him

And he left himself with me.

When something bad happens you can just avoid the memories the place, the people.

But the place was my body and the person was me.

I'm disgusting and dirty.

I can look at my stomach and think this is where he punched my screech away.

I can look at my neck and think this was where he fed off my sweet 15-year-old youth.

The memories are all over me.

This person was just a few weeks away from the hearing that will determine the punishment for the crime that took my life but kept me on earth.

What about my crime?

The one where I put myself on display with no care of what others could see without expecting them to do what they wanted.

I never paid for it, but I decided I had to

And I will.

But I think God has decided as well because my families lives seem to be hanging by a string and nothing seems to be going right.

I'm defenseless.

I'm hopeless.

And those are the words I think when someone asks me to describe myself and it will never change because I am defenselessness I am weakness

I am anything but good.
Cover Image Credit: media.defense.gov

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Infectious Compassion

Give a Stranger Some Free Hope!

I am definitely no newbie to this; doctors, hospitals, medications, therapies, insurance, paperwork, and the waiting. The dreaded waiting. Often the cure is worse than the disease, but the wait amplifies the symptoms of said disease. 

Like I said, I am no newbie, but I also am not an expertise. If I were an expertise I wouldn’t need the doctors, and all of that goes with being ill. But one might come to believe that after 26 years, one would at least develop a thicker skin. I try to imagine how a great spiritual leader might advise me when I fall through a crack in our system. I ask myself what lesson can be learned, for my future, and the avoidance of other cracks. I even try to learn from others who have fallen, and pass forward any pertinent knowledge I have accumulated. 

Knowledge is power, unless you’re sick. Money is power, unless you’re sick. Knowledge and money give the sick more options, but sick is still sick. Dying is still dying. Death is still death. 

With all of my knowledge, all of my wants, all of my needs, and all of my wishes, only one thing has been a constant in dealing, coping, and even healing. It is actually very basic, but often the most elusive. A placebo of sorts, amazingly it is still in short supply, but high demand. 

One cannot bottle it, market it, sell it, or cure the sick with it. But it is the most contagious agent I have ever been exposed to. A touch, a smile, a hopeful gesture or word, and I am instantly infected. Once I am infected my only desire is to infect all around me. 

So here is the big secret, the elusive placebo, the virus I covet more than any cure some specialist, drug rep, hospital, or guru peddles: Compassion. 

Devastating news is just that much easier to take in when compassion is bound to it. I accepted a long time back that I would either die from my diagnoses, or with them. No cure in sight, just a hindered life. Even though I don’t like my illnesses, I’m okay with this, I am okay with me, who I am, who I turned out to be. 

We humans don’t have to like disease, or even accept it, in us or others. But could we at least show a little compassion? For a few seconds? A fake smile? Something? 

The next time you are having a wonderful day, think back to a day that was the exact opposite. Now, the stranger next to you? That just might describe their day. Would you have liked a miniscule amount of compassion on the day you remember? Might a slight exposure of infectious happiness have helped you? 

Commit a random act of kindness and infect a stranger with some compassion! Pass it on! 

  

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With The New Year Already Gone, How Can We Improve Ourselves?

Its Never Too Late To Make A Commitment To Making Yourself Better

As January begins, people always talk about how their news years resolution never work out. Most of the time, they are right. But finding a good balanced resolution can be key. The resolution shouldn't be impossible but it also should be able to challenge you and prove to yourself that anything is possible. Here are 3 resolutions that I think all of us should begin a February as a way to make ourselves the best people.

1. Being kind to those around us

This one can be quite tough. Sometimes we just have those moments where nothing is seeming to go right and there is only a few people to blame. Overcome those emotions of anger or hatred and instead focus on improving yourself. If you got yourself into the situation, you are more that likely to get yourself out of it. This will not only improve your image to that person who you know, but also to others who may be trying to get to know you better.

2. Don't be Lazy

Not gonna lie, this is one of the hardest resolutions for people to follow. A long hard day at work or at school can often be the breaking point for people and might force them to stop doing what is necessary. For students, it might be putting in the extra work or in my case, going downstairs to get something. Being lazy is a problem for all of us and I think the best way to fix it is to start thinking of ways to keep this resolution.

3. Keep a Positive attitude

When times are good, a positive attitude is easy to keep. But as obstacles cloud our path, our negativity grows more and eventually can't be stopped. Being one of the biggest pessimist I know, keeping a happy attitude can change more than just in our own personal lives. A smile or a laugh is all it takes to brighten up someones day. Remember if you are going through a hard time, someone else also is. Showing them a sign of faith and belief in them can give them the final push to overcome their conflict.

These three resolutions are meant to help us make 2018 a year full of laughs, memories, and improve on 2017. Each of these commitments to improving ourselves will also affect others around us. Good luck keeping these resolutions.

Cover Image Credit: Flickr

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