Skin tight and exposed

I was the only one lingering in a man infested cave

I wondered innocently throughout the shop

The thought of a man watching me with impurity never crossed my mind.

I was clean.

Filth was all around me but I was clean.

Untouched

I was sure that wasn't going to change, but I didn't have a choice.

Skin tight and exposed

I was the only girl lingering in the cold wet winter

Too happy to care.

After all, I had just turned 15 the day before.

Skin tight and exposed

That was my first mistake.

People might scold my feeling of guilt that still seems to creep up. To that, I say that all mistakes are unfortunate, and they can't be changed by others saying otherwise.

Skin tight and exposed

I stood and walked towards the bathroom without stopping

My second mistake.

But I was clean and that wasn't going to change

He put his hands on me anyway

He touched every inch of me

every inch of my body was being stripped of its innocence.

My ankles when I was dragged.

My wrists when they were gripped in his fingers and pressed against the ground.

It was the darkness

The darkness shielded me from the scene I couldn't bear to see and feel.

So I just felt.

I felt my shirt rip, my bra pulled down to reveal nothing but mere satisfaction to him he needed more. I felt my leggings at my thighs, my knees, then feet.

Making it all the more difficult to fight with my legs

My face was against his neck.

His tongue traveled to my mouth, my cheeks.

I wanted to know what he gained from this but all I could think of was what I was losing.

I had never felt such a surge of strength when I felt his hand going lower than anyone has ever touched me

I was free for what must have been 3 seconds.

The screech that came from soul and tired out my lungs held all my will in it, all my hope someone could hear me. All it took was his fist to my ribs and it was silenced.

The silence was so loud he stopped it with the sound of his belt unbuckling and him against me.

He was finally ripped off of me but I felt no relief.

I felt nothing

I was finished.

Skin and exposed

I had nothing left.

Skin and exposed

there was nothing else that could have been done to me to make me feel less attached to happiness.

I was convinced it was never going to be felt again

I can't remember the first thing I thought of

But I can guarantee it had something to do with how much I wanted to abandon this body

To rip off my skin and throw myself away with it.

How much I wanted to end myself and how nothing about myself mattered

This has defined me and my life

It determined everything.

He took it all with him

He took me all with him

And he left himself with me.

When something bad happens you can just avoid the memories the place, the people.

But the place was my body and the person was me.

I'm disgusting and dirty.

I can look at my stomach and think this is where he punched my screech away.

I can look at my neck and think this was where he fed off my sweet 15-year-old youth.

The memories are all over me.

This person was just a few weeks away from the hearing that will determine the punishment for the crime that took my life but kept me on earth.

What about my crime?

The one where I put myself on display with no care of what others could see without expecting them to do what they wanted.

I never paid for it, but I decided I had to

And I will.

But I think God has decided as well because my families lives seem to be hanging by a string and nothing seems to be going right.

I'm defenseless.

And those are the words I think when someone asks me to describe myself and it will never change because I am defenselessness I am weakness