New year, new me, right? Of course. The infamous saying is plastered jokingly all over every social media platform including that Instagram pic that you couldn't think of a more clever caption for. But, how should you actually become a 'new me'/less sh*ttier version of yourself in 2016? Here's a few resolutions I've brewed up while I was simultaneously reminiscing on how my actions and personality resembled an actual turd in 2015:
1. The key to being a better version of yourself in 2016 is simply to not be a piece of sh*t.
2. Love yourself just like Kanye loves himself.
3. Stop crying at ASPCA commercials.
4. Please stop saying your New Year's resolution is to give up homework. Don't be that guy.
5. If you are that guy, just stop reading.
6. Stop watching Buzzfeed Food videos at 3 a.m.
7. Help your mom realize that Instagram still does not have a zoom-in feature.
8. Stop settling for the 1/10th of a singular shot poured into that drink you just spent $5 on at the bar.
9. Invent something more socially embarrassing than the Hover Board to ride around campus.
10. Finish a whole tube of chap-stick.
11. Post a selfie on Instagram without the help of Perfect 365 or a VSCO filter or maybe even a pic of something you actually look like.
12. Don't be convinced by that 2 a.m infomercial.
13. Stop considering a Snapchat streak romantic. If someone ask what the relationship status between you and another person is and you respond with "Well, we Snapchat a lot", odds are that romance will be as horrible as that selfie you just took in last night's makeup.
14. Start a horse-drawn carriage company at your school to eliminate the bore of a regular taxi ride home from a frat house.
15. Keep pretending that people care about your 312-second-long Snap story.
16. Assert your dominance more. Go ahead, YOU draw an "X" on the bouncer's hand.
17. Find out what is making Shia LaBeouf so angry.
18. Stop watching Grey's.
19. Make a promise to yourself that one of these days you'll walk into your 600+ person lecture hall 5 minutes late and scream "(insert your name) IS HERE".
20. Try out for a professional sports team that you literally have no experience in.
21. Replace the word "the" with some dying animal sound effect every time you speak. Guys, ladies love this!
22. Take control of the Port-o-Potty industry.
23. Become the loudest gym-grunter in the world. Forget losing weight, have all eyes on you at the gym anyway when you burst some eardrums after that rigorous 8lb dumbbell curl.
24. Stop reading articles written by me.
25. Forgot to make resolutions? Just write out everything you did on New Year's Eve and at the beginning add the word "stop."
