On September 14th, 2016 I lost someone very important to me. Not only a cousin but a brother. I miss you, Stephen.
A year without you is like a decade without rain.
A year without you has been so long and painful.
I miss you more and more every single day.
I often babysit your children, and boy they look just like you. Riley even has the same goofy smile. I remember you watching me when I was a little girl. You used to pick me up and spin me around. You were just an overall goofball. You knew just the way to make me laugh and I absolutely loved you for that.
You have been such an incredible role model for me since I was born and continue to be.
I used to always make fun of your height and call you "shorty", you absolutely hated it which made me say it even more.
I keep replaying our last conversation in my head over and over again. I was sad because I didn't think I was pretty enough and you told me to shut up. You said that I'm just as beautiful as any other girl and any guy would be lucky to have me. It's the typical thing people say, but from you, it meant the world. We talked about life and how you and your family were doing. I had turned 18 a couple months prior and you asked if I wanted a cigarette when I said no I could see how proud you were of me. We both know you were only joking but I could tell you were pleased with my response. That's the last time I saw you and I regret it so much. I wish I had the chance to see you one last time. to tell you how much you mean to me and how much I love you.
It has been a year without you and I still can't believe it. I still expect you to walk through the door and crack jokes at everyone else's expense. Every time I step into your house it feels empty and I just expect you to be there. It is so surreal to me that you are simply gone.
Your wake has been the hardest day of my life. Having to see all those people and try not to cry. I was glad to see how many people showed up. It just goes to show how many peoples lives you have changed for the better. You were an absolutely incredible person and I was lucky to have ever known you and even luckier to have you as a big brother.
As much as it hurts, I love walking down memory lane so I can run into you. From time to time We will all sit down and share our favorite memories of you. Mine is that distinctive laugh that you had. When I close my eyes I can still hear it.
You may not be alive on this earth anymore but I know you are at peace in heaven. I pray to God and ask him to keep you safe up there. You show me signs all the time that you are watching you don't understand just how much that means to me. I love you so much, dude. Keep sending me signs I absolutely love seeing them.
"How can I tell my heart that you have gone way? I want to make things right but don't know what to say. I am lonely and sad. I cannot believe you have gone but others tell me to get over it. They say I must move on but they don't know how I feel. They would not know or where to start. One minute I was happy then my world was ripped apart. Yes, I need to mourn and do it my own way. To listen to my heart and not what others say. Yes, there will be dark times. Yes, I will be sad. It will hurt me for awhile when I remember what we had. Time will heal my heart. Time will heal my sorrow. It may not be today, it may not be tomorrow. Yes, there will be tears. I may scream and shout. I can't lock the pain away I have to let it out. True friends will stick by me and others may walk away. True friends will hold my hand and listen to what I have to say. It's my right to mourn and to learn to deal with grief. It's not what you see on the outside but the way I feel underneath."
There will always be a piece of my heart missing but that is okay. I know you loved me just as much as I love you, maybe even more. Not a day will go by where I won't think of you. My life will forever be split between a before and after. I love you, Stephen Botelho, save me a seat in heaven.
