“Those who would mend the world must first mend themselves.” -William Penn
Dear Self,
I've noticed you've been tired a lot. Not the kind of tired that going to sleep can fix, but the tired that you feel all the way deep down in your soul.
I know you well and I know your habits. I know you love to help people. I know you sometimes say “yes” to things you don't have the time for. I know you mean well.
I also know you would rather work tirelessly to “fix” anyone else before you would think of stopping to “fix” yourself. You like to think of this as a selfless quality. Something you should take pride in. Something that people would admire.
But lately I've noticed this to be your downfall.
What causes you to need people to need you? Why it is that you find your worth and confidence in your efforts to help others?
It pains you to realize that it isn’t all pretty underneath.
Maybe, it’s because you are desperately looking for someone, or something, to “fix” you and you have all too frequently forgotten the God who loves you and is waiting for you to come to him and ask him for strength.
Maybe, it’s because you're prideful in the knowledge you’ve accumulated and you like feeling needed.
Maybe, it’s because you've been knocked down so many times that you feel like you can finally stand just an inch taller when you send out words of encouragement.
Maybe, it’s because right now you feel like you have zero control over the many circumstances in your life so you cling to the possibility of controlling just one thing.
But maybe -- just maybe, it’s not all bad.
Maybe, it’s because you have truly experienced deep pain, joy, happiness, and heart-wrenching sadness, and learned a few valuable lessons in between. And if you have a chance to spare someone you love from the despair that comes along with these experiences, you’d hate yourself for not trying.
Maybe, it’s because you can relate. You’ve been there. You’ve felt those feelings, you've said those same words. You’ve felt the confusion behind trying to choose a career path. You’ve felt the pain in losing a loved one who shouldn’t have gone away so soon. You've felt the scrutiny of the world in trying to attain a body that you would feel okay with looking at. You’ve cried and screamed the tears away through tough breakups. You know how it feels to say good-bye.
And maybe, it’s because you are passionate - something you're learning to learn to love about yourself. It’s not a weakness, it’s a strength. You just need to use that strength in the right ways.
You need to thank your sweet friends and family for reminding you - “you can’t pour from an empty cup”.
This is the hard part for you -- recognizing that you are actually exhausting yourself and sometimes the best you can do is set aside your own work and let God do his work.
So go tell your sweet friends who you've aimlessly advised, who you've been able to share wisdom with, and who you love dearly that you’ll always be here. You’ll always be a shoulder to cry on. You’ll always try your best to relate to them, to cry with them, to laugh with them and hug and hold them.
Tell them that you're working on the inside part. The not-so-pretty-control-freak nature behind your consoling.
You’re on a journey to figure out just how to keep this cup full, so you can pour out to each person you pass by daily.
Love,
Me
“Remember to take care of yourself. You can’t pour from an empty cup.” -TobyMac
