1. Look At Your Phone
It's so shiny and chock-full of little buzzes and phone numbers of girls that you did group projects with in high school. Why don't you just glide your thumb across that touch screen and have a little fun for once? You work too hard and smartphone time is your time to relax. Kick back and send Meghan a text that she won't reply to and then send her another one 10 minutes later. Sure it might be completely unrelated to your first text, but there's no shame in asking what her favorite color is.
2. Check Your School Email
Hey, there's still a chance that your professor could've pushed the deadline back. You'll never know until you check. You've got important stuff to do and don't need to be hindered by an essay that you could easily write on Tuesday afternoon.
3. Go On YouTube
YouTube videos could count as a source, right? You start off on BuzzFeed, but end up watching those inspirational and informative segments of "Last Week Tonight With John Oliver." Before you know it, you're back to letting Bill Maher and Christopher Hitchens tell you that the Roman Catholic beliefs you were raised with are utterly illogical and that the Bible is a jumble of nonsense. Before you lose faith in the Almighty, you quickly scan the room and switch over to Bieber's VEVO. Even though it is widely accepted that his new tracks are absolute fire, you can never be too sure. You prop yourself up against the wall and keep a watchful eye on the door. No one but the Canadian teen icon himself can see you in such a state.
4. Poke Your Crush On Facebook
You got the read receipt an hour and a half ago, but maybe she just needs some old school inspiration. Facebook pokes are what our grandparents used to court each other, so why do modern relationships have to be any different? Go onto Meghan's profile and give her a little poke. She'll think it's cute. Hopefully.
5. Check Your Other Email
Type in your initials, followed by your four-digit birthday, and a little "@aim.com" to see what you've been missing out on since middle school. Joey said "hey man that dance last nite was awsome :D." Could you have made it through today without knowing that? Probably, but it was a nice little stroll down memory lane.
6. Make Sure You Didn't Start Eddie Lacy
He's been getting negative points in recent weeks and it would be a disaster if you started him today. I know you thought he was an awesome fifth-round pickup, but he's just not what your fantasy team needs this week. You know full well that you deserve this title more than anyone and Kevin's starting to run away with it, so put destiny in your own hands and pick up a running back that can help feed your insatiable need for victory.
7. Open Up Microsoft Word
All right, your fantasy team is set, so now it's time to bang out that essay. Your fingers are trembling with the knowledge that your computer screen is about to receive. This one's a winner. You can feel it.
8. Open Up YouTube In Another Window
You figure a little Billy Joel can't hurt, so you pop in your earbuds and play the video entitled "Billy Joel Greatest Hits -- Best of Billy Joel HD/HQ." Whoa, wait. Hold on a second, is this "Scenes from an Italian Restaurant?" How did they know that you love to hear this song immediately after "Piano Man?" Crazy!
9. Write An MLA-Formatted Heading
Times New Roman, font size 12
Name
Professor's Name
Name of Course
Date
Hey, you're pretty good at this.
10. Write About Your Procrastination Habits Online
Oh God, you said that you'd write an article for Odyssey and it's due at noon! Time to get cracking.
11. Copy And Paste Your Outline To The Page
Oh yeah, you made an outline for this essay. You've totally got this. The world is your oyster. No one can stop you from achieving your dreams. Your inner Shia LaBeouf is waving his arms around and yelling empowering words. Wait a minute, why is he in a Sia video? All this time he had you fooled into thinking he was an actual cannibal and now he's just watching his own movies in a theater open to the public. What has the world come to?
12. Expand
Your outline basically says exactly what you wanted to say three days ago, so now all you have to do is make it less threadbare. This shouldn't take too long. Just do it. Don't let your dreams be dreams. Just do it.
