I have to say, I got pretty lucky.
In the days of my teens and early twenties, it was in no way certain that I deserved the kind of life I have today. I’m sixteen years into a fantastic marriage, with a woman who makes me feel like I’m doing everything right. I have the kind of son every father dreams of – one who shares most of my interests and wants to spend time doing things with me. I have a stable career with a comfortable wage. I have a house, a vehicle, and modern amenities aplenty. If I’m being honest, I have almost no right to complain about anything.
But.
I was not the kind of kid who deserved any of it.
I was a sour, rebellious, angry teenager. I was selfish. I cared more about showing other people why they were worthless than I did about proving my own worth. I failed high school, got into every drug on the street in the 90’s, and started writing the most charming poetry about things like thrill killing, suicide, and the end of the world.
I have no idea what my wife, or anyone, really, saw in me in those days. I have a vague impression that people have always been quietly rooting for me, but it’s only now, through hindsight, that I can see it. Back then it was me against the world, and I was sure everybody hated me. I thought I’d be dead before I turned thirty, and I lived through my early twenties accordingly.
But my wife did see something, I guess, and she stuck with it through everything. Her belief in me made me see potential where previously there had been obstacles. She made me feel like this good life I have today was attainable even back then, if I would only listen to the voice of my better nature and trust in it. She made me feel like I deserved it.
If I can take credit for anything, it’s this and only this: I was at least smart enough to recognize the proper path when I stood at the trailhead, and I made the choice to walk it.
I wanted to be happy.
The problem with finding happiness when you start at such a disadvantage is not that the opportunity never presents itself. There are opportunities everywhere. You probably walk around a hundred opportunities on your way to a single unhappy reality.
The problem is inside you. It’s called “ego”, and you probably value it way more than you should. I know I certainly did.
Down at the bottom of the happiness ladder, there were a bunch of us drug addicts and chaos sowers. We were on a first name basis. We fed each other poison every day, and made sure to pull each other off the first rung of that fucking ladder just as soon as we saw someone climbing it. And the easiest way to do it was to say the “c-word”.
Change.
It usually sounds something like this. “Why should I have to change for anyone?”
Oh man, doesn’t your ego love that line?
Look. The single most toxic notion unhappy people cling to is this fallacy that everyone should just accept you the way you are and everything will be peaches and fucking cream from there. It’s just not true.
If I had insisted upon remaining the same man I was at twenty, I probably would not have a wife at forty. Certainly not the same one.
If I were still drinking, smoking, and snorting everything I could get my hands on, she’d have ditched my miserable ass a long time ago – and rightly so. Drunks and drug addicts make notoriously bad husbands and fathers. This is known fucking science, friends. A good woman deserves better than a bad husband, and that means a bad husband needs to change.
Change is not a dirty word. Change doesn’t mean bowing down to some abstract “System” and conforming to a definition of normalcy you disagree with. You don’t have to give up any piece of the essence of who you are. You don’t lose anything.
Change is an evolution. Change is a choosing of priorities, and then a sustained effort to meet them. Change is an acknowledgement that you’re not perfect.
There’s nothing noble about refusing to change for people you care about. You should want to change. You should want to grow. You should want people to be proud of you. You should be willing to get rid of the bad habits and quirks that cause conflict in your relationships with people.
Expecting people to just accept you the way you are or fuck off is the ultimate attitude of selfishness. You are nothing special. No one owes you happiness. Whoever you are, there are dozens of wrong-minded thoughts in your head, and many of them are the reason you’re not always happy.
Studies have repeatedly found that happiness comes first and foremost from feeling meaningfully connected to a larger community. Conversely, remaining isolated or disconnected from the world around you is a surefire way to stay unhappy. And refusing to change out of some stubborn insistence that people should take you the way you are, even if what you are is an asshole, is a surefire way to remain isolated.
By refusing to change, you aren’t doing anyone any favors – not even yourself.
Seriously. Wouldn’t you rather be happy?
