Where nothing breaks and nothing hurts...
Losing my Papa has been the hardest challenge in my life to try and get over for myself. You see, I was never the same after that day when he died. I was never the same once I became an adult, two days before I turned 18. I guess there's some twisted kind of poetry there if you're looking for some. In order to grow up, he had to go away.
This fact haunts me pretty often, and even though I'm doing better now than I was this time last year, I'm still not as some people would say, "better." In fact, I feel like I'm the only one left in my family who is still mourning. My problem is, I can't get past what could be. What would be happening if he was here.
If he was here, then on March 16 I would've been in town, and after I got off work, we would've spent time with him. To me, spending time with someone is so valuable. I would rather sit around and talk about nothing rather than going out to eat or see a movie. Sure, that's nice and all, but I just like being in someone's presence and doing what we always do. I obviously can't do that anymore. He's gone.
There's been one song that has really helped me through this time: it's called "Beam Me Up" by Pink. It's on her The Truth About Love album, and be careful with Pink, because she's an amazing artist, but she's the first one to say it's not for little people's ears. But this song, this song is just beautiful.
She wrote it for a friend who had a miscarriage. It talks about a different world in the beginning where she's not broken, where the baby lived. Then it goes on to reality, the chorus where she says "Won't you beam me up?/Give me a minute, I don't know what I'd say in it" and that line gets me every time. I don't think there's anything I wouldn't give for one minute of dialogue with that man in heaven.
"Beam Me Up" while not healing my hurt, has helped me struggle through it. I know he's okay where he is, but I'm still not okay here. And while I'm getting better, and I'm pushing through to get better and be better and get to the point of no longer hurting, it hasn't happened yet. I think Pink's song shows that you can hurt and ache for something that is never going to happen and it be alright.
It's 100 percent normal if you aren't over something that the world says that you should be.
You're human. You're alive. You're feeling. You've loved someone or something so much that it's gonna take some time to get over. Whether that be one week or one lifetime, do what needs to be done for you.
I'm still struggling through the pain. There are days where the darkness and depression get to me and I can't force myself out of bed. I can't force myself to care, but those days are getting fewer and further between. I no longer cry every night, even though I think about him every day.
I won't say it gets easier, because it doesn't. Or at least for me, it hasn't yet. You get stronger. You learn that you're not going to break underneath the weight of it, and it won't crush you. It's hard, but it's doable.
So, God, if you can't beam me up, can you at least wish him a happy birthday for me?
