High School is supposed to be such an exciting time in your life. You're a teenager with no responsibilities. You look forward to prom, homecoming, Friday night football games, parties, and hanging out with your friends outside of the mall(middle school days). For me high school stopped in junior year. High school just became a place where I would go to classes, and leave as soon as I could.  Sometimes I wouldn't go at all, other times I would go for an hour or two. Junior year is when my depression really started affecting my life.

I've dealt with depression and anxiety since sixth grade, even though I just came to admit it my freshman year of college. Junior year was really hard because I lost myself. I was so emotional, unmotivated and I didn't want to deal with life anymore. Freshman and sophomore year I was so full of life. I would go to the football games, look forward to classes with my friends, and I was so focused on school. All of my life I had been a straight A student, taken AP classes, had great test scores, and my dream school was The University of Texas at Austin. Junior year, my depression took that away from me. I didn't want to be in school anymore because I would get anxiety or I would actually start crying and get really emotional. I didn't want anyone to see me like that, or ask me questions about it. So I stopped going to school as much I could. I stopped hanging out with my friends because I didn't want them to know or ask me questions either. My grades started dropping because I would stay up at all hours of the night crying and asking myself why I was like this. I couldn't focus in class, my thoughts were consumed of bad thoughts about myself. These feelings and actions went on through senior year.

My dream school, The University of Texas at Austin rejected me. I blame no one but myself but I also blame my depression. My grades did get bad, my test scores did go down, and I did stop focusing so much on school. I wish I could tell UT that I had such bad depression and that I wanted to go there with all of my heart, but they are a school board who just see SAT scores and grades, and either put rejected or accepted. No matter what I would say or do, the only reflection that they see of me are my test scores and grades. That is what you are to a school board. 

Texas A&M University had always been the worst school in the world to me, because it is the rival school of UT. My uncle and aunt both went to UT, and since I was about 10 they had always said how horrible it was, and how much better UT was. I based my opinions of A&M on their opinions and other longhorns opinions. I didn't know a single thing about A&M, all I know is that I "hated" the school. The only thing I knew was that A&M was the second best public university in Texas and that I had automatic admission. I applied, got in, and accepted my admission. 

I came to A&M with a new mindset and an open heart. I stopped basing my opinion on A&M on other people's opinions and started forming my own opinions. I was so excited to start school, meet new people, and live on my own. I started working at a job that had over 200 students. Tried introducing myself to everyone I sat next to in class. Caught up with some old friends that were also going to be attending Texas A&M. But the depression came back, hard. 

I would sit at work and get such bad anxiety that I would start crying at the front desk. I would have to greet parents of little kids while holding back tears or looking like I had just been crying. The job was only three hours long per shift but my anxiety made me feel like I was there for an eternity. There were days were I would get so much anxiety about going, and there were also days when I would get into my depressive moods right before work, and finally I had to quit. Apart from work, school and friends also became hard to deal with. My grades started slipping really bad, especially my math grades. I've never been good at math, or liked math but this was the first time that I actually felt really stupid in a class. Everyone in that class seemed like they understood everything that the teacher was talking about, while I would sit there the entire class period being confused. No matter how many times I attempted to work out homework problems, the answer was never right. I tried to get help but it didn't work. I developed such bad anxiety about my math grade. I felt like the biggest failure in the world. It brought down my self-esteem. Also, there would be mornings when I would wake up feeling so sad or anxious that I wouldn't go to school. I would just sit in bed crying or staring at the window with a million thoughts running through my head. It's so hard to deal with depression and anxiety in college because it consumes you. I felt like I was ruining my college career and that I would be kicked out of school or lose my financial aid. I ended up failing the class and it really hit me hard. Apart from school, I didn't hang out or go to anything that I was invited to. My friends would all be having fun, while I would be at home hiding from the world. They quickly became associates, not friends. I felt like I was ruining my college experience but I couldn't change it.

My epiphany came while sitting in English class. I sat in English class, but I wasn't really there. My mind was thinking of anything but our English class. I just remember staring at the projector, tears running down my face, and thinking, "This is it. I have to tell my mom. I need help."  I went home and started crying my eyes out on my couch, my boyfriend trying to comfort me, and I asked him to leave my apartment so that I could have some time to tell my mom everything that had been happening for the last seven years. My boyfriend was the only person who I had ever told about my depression and anxiety, and I couldn't dump all of my feelings on him anymore. It wasn't fair to him. I decided to send my mom a long text message because I knew that if I admitted everything out loud, I would not be able to stop crying. I told her every single thing that I had ever gone through or felt, since sixth grade, seven years ago. Every single reason, whether it was about her, my father, my childhood, my body, my grades, not getting into UT, etc. I told her of how badly this had affected my school and friendships. She texted me back saying she was sorry, and how she was afraid of this happening to me because of things I had experienced in my childhood. It felt good to not have to hide anymore. I had been holding my breath for seven years. 

Since admitting that I had depression and anxiety, it has been easier, but it still affects me daily. It helps to have the people in your life understand you, and be there for you. I haven't told everyone, and the people that I have told, I haven't told everything. Even my mom and my boyfriend don't know every single thing. Only myself and god do. There are things that I'm to embarrassed and ashamed of to admit. Things i'm scared of feeling, things i'm scared of getting emotional over. I want to start getting better and going to therapy, but i'm nervous to open up so deeply. It's been seven years of hiding. I'm afraid that the therapist will say that my reasons are stupid, or that my feelings are not comparable to other people suffering in the world. People have told me, "There are people with real problems in the world. You just feel sorry for yourself." That makes me feel so bad about myself. It makes me feel like my feelings don't matter. It makes me feel like I should go back to hiding everything. I want to get better but i'm afraid of another person judging me and saying that my feelings aren't valid. For the past seven years I've become such a bitch to everyone, because i'm afraid that they will see right through me. I'm afraid that they will see how insecure and broken I really am. I would rather pretend like I don't care and like nothing bothers me. I speak my mind and act like I could care less about what I say, but I do it because i'm scared. I'm scared of what someone will say to me, so I would rather act like a bitch, so that they don't have a chance to come for my weaknesses and insecurities. 

For now, I'm trying to keep a positive attitude and mindset. I have tried to do better in school, I have started to go to the gym, I have tried to let go of some of the past, and I am trying to change my attitude. I don't want be that person that walks around with a bitch face, I want to walk around looking happy and friendly. I want to be able to look at myself in the mirror and not see myself as an ugly and useless waste of space. I want to learn to forgive and move on from situations or things that happen in my life. I want to get betters grades, and hopefully transfer schools so that I can be happy with where I live. A&M is a really good school. I've met some really nice people but it's just not the place for me. I don't want to be surrounded by a million trump supporters, and stuck in a little town with no where to go. There are some really nice people and nice teachers, but the culture of being a conservative student isn't for me. I'm pro-choice, pro-DACA, I support immigration, I'm a feminist, and I hate trump. The school is great and I know that receiving a degree from A&M is an honor in Texas, but my heart is in Austin. I want to be surrounded in a city full of liberals, where anyone can be who they want to be. Everyone is accepted. Everyone is loved. That would be a great place to go to school. My dream and hope is that UT accepts me, and that being rejected, one of the main reasons my depression became so hard, will all become part of a journey I was meant to go through. Maybe things do happen for a reason. God put me on this path. Maybe I was meant to learn something, or experience something, that would ultimately shape me into who I am going to be in the future. I want to be a successful, independent women but most of all I want to be happy. My goal for the future is to be completely and utterly happy.