I had not been back to my high school since I graduated close to 4 years ago, but I decided to go watch my little cousin play football since I was home from college for the weekend. As I was standing in the parent section a few things were crossing my mind. I was noticing all the freshman and how little they seemed and the petty conversations they were having, I could even remember what numbers on the football team my guy friends were, but most of all I was noticing the seniors. The senior girls were so proud of their newly decorated overalls and I remembered it like it was yesterday even though it most definitely was not.

Then it came to me that I’m not necessarily the same girl now that wore those overalls. That girl was a special kind of fearless. Not fearless in the way that she felt she could jump off a cliff and survive, but fearless in the way that she just knew everything would always work out and work out the way she wanted it to. She never worried about what the future would hold, she just lived as beautifully reckless as she could in every moment. For this girl, a metallic blue ’92 Chrysler Lebaron convertible held all the promise in the world. To her Taylor Swift was the most relatable person and was best sung screaming. This girl’s biggest fear was not having a date to the senior prom. She would take off on the weekends with the only thing on the agenda to have the time of her life. She knew exactly who she was and who she wanted to be.

Standing there realizing this I couldn’t help but think what 17-year-old-me would think about 21-year-old-me.

Nowadays I am constantly thinking about what my future holds and life after graduation. I drive a boring black Honda CR-V that has a mom mirror so I can see the kids I nanny in the backseat. I haven’t listened to Taylor Swift on my own volition in I can’t tell you how long. My weekends consist of me convincing myself to go out and cleaning my apartment. Sometimes I have no idea who I am and as a senior in college, I am still trying to figure out who I want to be.

Many, in fact most, of my friends have come and gone since then, and I’m right. I’m not the same girl. She’s still there though because through all of this I realized I was standing there in the same hoodie with the same tear in the sleeve. I had the same red ribbon tied in a bow holding my curly hair. I still wore the same wooden retreat cross around my neck. Realizing that I reflected further on how when we grow older we change, that’s just how life is. I can’t be as spontaneous as I was in high school because I have adult responsibilities. I have real fears because I have the maturity to do so. I have a better car because I’m a better driver. Most of all I realize things just don’t work out but I also realize that that is what has helped me become this older and I guess a wiser version of myself. I don’t know what I want to be because I have now seen all the possibilities I can be. I don’t always know who I am because I am constantly changing to be better.

I may not always have the same spirit as 17-year-old me, but I promise it’s still there, it’s just being used for different things now. I hope that if she could see where I am at and where I’ve been that she would be proud of me because when I look at that picture of her and the now woman I still call my best friend that still hangs in my room in the same frame, I can see her still inside of who I am today.