For years now, I have struggled with my faith. I have struggled more times than I can count, and each time I catch myself doubting it, I always question how I am where I am today, and with the help of who. When I was younger, my church friends were everything to me, and I always looked forward to Wednesday nights to worship and learn more about God, but I do not think I truly ever realized the real meaning of those nights.
Freshman year of college, I was with a guy and I began to go to more and more parties, I hung out with new friends, I joined a sorority, and eventually, I found myself in a place that I had never been before. I did not attend church regularly and I lost my way with God. At this point, I began to question my whole childhood. I questioned if what I believed was just a fabrication of what my family wanted me to do. I started questioning whether or not God was real. My life was all of the place, my relationship became unhealthy, and all I could do was put aside my faith. Looking back, I realize that God was trying to show me these things . . . these things were weighing me down, testing my morals, and I did not see it that way then.
My parents are supportive and have always been there for me. My friends have always been there and tried their best to guide me in the right direction. And then, when I was getting back to where I was for most of my childhood, everything started going downhill again.
The church that I called home, the church that I always ended up going back to, the church that made me feel welcome, lost its pastor. The pastor that baptized me, helped me and my family get through the loss of my grandpa was suddenly gone. I stopped going to church because I could not fathom that he was never giving another sermon or children's moment. He was no longer going to call me and ask if I would play the piano at our Christmas Eve and Christmas service. He was no longer going to greet me after a service. I stopped going to church whenever I came home on the weekends. It was different, everything was changing, the church hired a new pastor.
But, I finally realized that what happened, happened, it was all for a reason, and that reason we may never know. I found myself being more active with my faith. I had been trying to do everything my way, or no way, I did not care if it was what God wanted or not. I tried being someone I wasn't.
My favorite song, introduced to me in one of the hardest times in my life, has gotten me through so much.
Great Are You Lord ~All Sons and Daughters
It's Your breath in our lungs
So we pour out our praise
We pour out our praise
It's Your breath in our lungs
So we pour out our praise
To You only
When I find myself struggling with the chaos of life, I stop and breathe, and think of this song. I guess this is my testimony to you that no matter what is going on in your life, NEVER lose your faith. NEVER stop believing in God. NEVER question God's existence. NEVER question God's plan for your life. As my mom has told me countless times, "God's timing is perfect." Your life may a complete mess right now, but you are only in this place for a little bit because God is testing you and building up your strength to do amazing things.
Even though I wandered away from God, he was there right at my side. When my relationship tore me to pieces, he was there to put me back together.
I am no where near being worthy of His love, I am not worthy of the life he has planned. I fail him day after day, I do things that do not please him, I question His love for me when things do not add up. Even in these moments, he is still there, waiting for me to believe in him once again. God gives his love so freely to me and I am not worthy of that and that's why I need him more.
