January 26, 2017, I lost someone very special to me. This day, which just so happens to be my brother’s birthday, would forever change my life. On this day, I lost my cousin, Jimmy, to suicide. To say he is only my cousin is a complete understatement. He was my brother. Everyone knew it. He had lived with me for a long period of time, and he had made his way into my heart. He is one of the most special people I will ever come to know. I remember being little, and seeing him at family parties. I would get so excited knowing I would finally get to see him, because he lived in New York and it was quite rare that he would come. He got older, and eventually stopped coming. There was probably about 6-10 years that went by where I did not see him or hear from him at all. When I was in the 7^th grade, his dad got very sick. Jimmy was adopted from Columbia by my mom’s sister and her husband. Unfortunately, my mom’s sister died when Jimmy was only 3. His dad spent the rest of his life raising him. That is, until he had gotten sick. My uncle passed away when I was in the 7^th grade and suddenly Jimmy was left with no guardians. It was weird seeing him all of a sudden. I kind of thought that I would maybe never see him again, but boy was I wrong. A few months after his father had passed, Jimmy got into an accident. He was in a car chase with the cops. His car crashed into a pile of wood, and, according to the police, the car was completely totaled. The officer on the scene told my parents there was no way anyone should have survived it. But, Jimmy did. After being in jail for some time, it came to the realization of the security that there was something more concerning about Jimmy. He seemed so paranoid all the time, claiming people were watching him, etc. After being admitted to a mental hospital, he had been diagnosed with schizophrenia. For those who do not know, the exact definition of schizophrenia is “a long-term mental disorder of a type involving a breakdown in the relation between thought, emotion, and behavior, leading to faulty perception, inappropriate actions and feelings, withdrawal from reality and personal relationships into fantasy and delusion, and a sense of mental fragmentation.”

My parents have to be the most selfless people on this planet. My cousin was staying in a mental hospital far into New York. My dad would take the time out of his incredibly busy day and visit him on the regular. After some time of being in the hospital, there was a choice to be made. Jimmy seemed better, stable and on his meds. He could either be released, under the care of responsible and loving guardians, or go back to jail. My parents did not hesitate to offer our home to him. Although we already had five people in our home, we made the room for him. He is, of course, family. I do not remember much of what I thought of all of this at the time. I was only in 8^th grade, worrying about graduation and starting high school. When Jimmy first came home, I did not really go out of my way to spend time with him. If he was there, I would talk to him, but I really did not bond too much with him for a while. Seven years later and here I am wishing more than anything that I could go back to that time. With the help of my amazing family, Jimmy broke his way out of his shell and into our lives in a heartbeat.

I watched Jimmy grow. He would spend most of his time in our basement and out of our ways in the beginning. But slowly and steady, he started to hang out with us more. He would play ping pong with my brothers, come swimming in our pool, go fishing with my neighbor, help my dad around the house, and so much more. At family parties, he started to be the one to suggest a group game of whiffle ball. I watched Jimmy get a job, reapply for his driver’s license, and eventually move out to an apartment close to our house. He was a strong and independent person who had overcome so much. I never thought too much about his disease. I knew what it was and that he had to take medication for it, I knew what it had done to him in the past, but I never thought about it coming back. I never thought it would take him from me.

It has been almost three months since the passing of Jimmy- someone who was a cousin, a brother, and a best friend. This has to be the most shocking thing I have ever gone through in life- some days I honestly forget it even happened. The thing is, it is hard to speak of him and visit the memories I have of him without getting sad, or angry. When doing this, all I can think is that he could still so easily be here. I have carried these thoughts deep inside of my heart and mind, a place I try to rarely visit. Although the words still may not be easy for me to say out loud, I felt writing may help. The last time I saw Jimmy was early in January, and I still remember our conversation exactly. He brought up how my 21^st birthday was approaching, and how excited he was for me. He told me that he couldn’t wait to take me out for it, and finally be able to share a drink with his little cousin. Although I did just have a very enjoyable 21^st, there was a piece of me that never stopped aching for my cousin, it never stops aching.

For as traumatic and upsetting this event has been in my life, I am still grateful every day. As I said earlier, the police officer on the scene of Jimmy’s accident so many years ago, informed us that his car was completely totaled. He informed us that absolutely no one should have ever survived that crash. But Jimmy walked out of that car, unharmed. Even though seven years is not long enough at all to have one of your favorite people in your life, I thank the universe and God for those seven years. I know that without Jimmy coming back into my life I would not be the person I am today at all. I learned more from him than I think he ever knew, and he saved my life in more ways than anyone could understand. As time goes on, I am slowly coming to acceptance with this. Although I never experienced it before, there are just some things in life you will never get the answer to and you have to learn to be okay with that. I am learning to understand that no matter how happy Jimmy seemed on the outside, he was hurting on the inside, and now he is not. Now he is home, with his loving parents.

Be careful what you say to people and how you say it, try and be as kind as possible. I know my family and I did everything we possibly could to save Jimmy’s life, it took a while for me to believe this but now I truly do. Still, there must be a million and one things I would do to see Jimmy’s smiling face walk through our front door, even just one more time.