I know many of you have siblings and most probably adore them and spoil them rotten. I’d like to begin by being honest. I’m not the best sister out there, not even good. She came as an accident, one that I held against my parents for a long time. After years of reassuring them that I loved life as an only child, her coming felt like nothing but competition in every aspect of life to me. Eight years later, I have yet to develop the feeling that life with her is better than if she had never been born. Despite this, however, I have come around to say that she is undeniably a large part of my life that I take for granted.
I can’t articulate my feelings well. I can’t explain why sometimes I act cold or indifferent to things she says or critique her actions. I know as well as anyone else that she is just a child. Maybe it’s the feelings of resentment that have yet to completely dissipate that linger within me. I know it’s wrong, and most of the time, a nagging feeling of guilt replaces the those of disdain. Now, at nineteen years of age, I wish I knew how to be a better sister. To push beyond these fleeting, petty feelings that always result in my immediate responses. To learn to be like the sister you look up to even though I’m so far from the person you should be looking up to. Of all those times I’ve made you afraid to approach me with a question, and all those times I brushed you off when all you wanted to do was show me something you were interested in just because it didn’t align with my own interests, I apologize. I’m sorry for not being patient. I’m sorry for not being gentle. And above all I’m sorry that I never appreciated your patience and gentleness with me despite you being the younger one by nearly eleven years.
These are the words that one day you won’t hear, but understand through my actions. I don’t want to have to say these things to do, because I fear getting your hopes up and not being able to fulfill them immediately. So instead, I’ll start following the path that leads to true change. A genuine change of heart that will be the source of changes in action. This way I hope that one day you can see my apologies and gratitude in the form of actions, rather than hear it in the form of words.
One thing I hope you will hear loud and clear though? I love you, little one.