I have a bone to pick with the term “spring semester.” While the phrase conjures up images of blooming flowers and singing birds, I have returned to my campus after winter break to find it an icy wasteland. After a relatively mild winter thus far, I was not expecting my campus to have turned into an arctic tundra, decimating any remaining life forms and disproving a groundhog’s faulty promise for an early spring. If you are as outraged and unprepared as I am, I have compiled a list of winter-must haves to help you cope with the freezing ice-box that is Newark, Delaware and we can fend through winter to the oasis of spring together.
A sturdy coat
If you’re anything like me, you refuse to wear anything that might possibly impede on your aesthetic, despite the respite from cold it might provide. We all know how good those North Face/Patagonia/Vineyard Vines/Target-brand vests are at keeping people warm. I mean, who would have thought that cutting the sleeves off of a coat would prove to be so superior at keeping people toasty on brisk days. It’s genius, we all know that arms don’t get cold. However, the time for fashion has passed, people, and we’re facing a life-or-death situation where only the strong survive. The boys who pile on a couple sweatshirts and call it a day make every maternal instinct in me become alert and frankly, it’s inexcusable. I recommend buying a coat from the same place where penguin researchers spending a year in Antarctica purchase theirs. A full body parka/onesie is preferable, but if you can’t find one, try digging some snow pants or taping together some children’s jackets you find at Goodwill. Honestly, any supplies that you can find that will conserve body heat. The less skin exposed to the enemy (the air), the better.
A vat of hot chocolate
For this essential, you must be able to find a roughly 50-gallon thermos to carry around with you, and if you can find one on wheels, even better. The benefits of this winter essential are threefold. The first is that if the icy bitterness somehow penetrates your nylon, feather-stuffed armor, you have a warm drink to trick your insides that they are not actually being flash-frozen for science. Additionally, it is a new semester and what better way to make friends than offering them a nice drink from your Starbucks on wheels! The third is that if all goes well and your hot cocoa remains a comfortable, scalding 400 degrees Fahrenheit all day, you have a personal, portable space heater. People will thank you, trust me.
Nuts and berries
Keeping on the theme of food, I recommend beginning to hoard any and all non-perishables you can find. It may be a little too late to start preparing for hibernation, but don’t let that stop you from trying! If you’ve followed the rules thus far, you should have just enough room in your abominable snowman-outfit for at least three months of nourishment. This is great for in case you decide that winter truly is too much to handle and you need to go into emergency hibernation until St. Patrick’s Day. If it works for the squirrels, it should work for us. Look how many of them are alive after a hopeless, bleak winter!
A hat
Your mom has been telling you for years: “Wear a hat, would ya? Most of your body heat escapes from your head!” You rolled your eyes and grunted some type of affirmation, while putting on one of those cute, but again, ineffective, knitted headbands. It’s time to do something we’ve never done before: listen to our mothers. We’re past beanie season at this point, and to make it to the other side of this hellish season, we have to whip out the big guns: think Russian fur hat that rivals in size to Pharrell’s headgear of choice.
Boxing gloves
Sure, you could wear regular gloves that perhaps are compatible with your iPhone and, in all honesty, are not that bulky. However, using boxing gloves as your preferred method of hand warmth is an exponentially better option. Not only are they a fashion statement, you can easily defend yourself against people who may insult or question your previous coat, hat, and mobile food choices.
If you have followed this list correctly, then at this point you are most likely resembling the Michelin tire man. Don’t worry, that’s how you know you did it right. There may be no end in sight, but with this list, I have confidence that you will make it to spring just in time to defrost. Happy freezing!
