College boys annoy me. I don't understand their decisions nor their actions. Hell, I don't understand half the shit they do. So in order to discuss this topic, I figured I should be really honest and have some drinks beforehand. These are my thoughts about college boys after 2-3 glasses of Pinot Grigio.
1. Salmon Shorts
Screw the salmon shorts. Screw the damn salmon shorts, and any other pastel sort of pant that exists on this planet. I don't care if they're checkered print, polka dot, ombre, whatever. It's atrocious. I hate how every single time I step on campus right when the temperature barely climbs over 60 degrees, every dude I see looks like a freaking easter egg. Um, no. Please put the pastel shorts away. Along with the salmon shorts are those damn boat shoes. News flash, the term boat is before the word shoe for a reason. This is Colorado, people. We are nowhere near a damn ocean. Put your boat shoes away. Do you know how painful it is when snow starts to fall and you have to watch some dude slip and slide all across the slush and snow in his freaking Sperrys? Like will someone please get this guy a pair of boots or decent shoes with traction so I don't have to grimace every single time he comes close to falling on his ass? Seriously, this is an issue that needs to be addressed.
2. Keystone Light
By far the worst beer to ever be invented. Seriously, it tastes like carbonated vegetable oil and doesn't even get you remotely buzzed unless you have like six under an hour. The only thing it will do is make you extremely bloated, and leave a godawful aftertaste in your mouth that will remain. But, college boys love it and make sure to have a surplus of it at every single party they ever have. Keystone light will always remind me of hot and musty frat basements with sweaty people all over each other, listening to ratchet music while huddling in a group of friends refusing to speak to anyone else. Not kidding. When I'm 40 I'll probably be grocery shopping with my kids and I'll see a pack of Keystone Light in the refrigerated isle and I'll say to my kids "Never drink that stuff. I don't care where you are in life or who you are with, there is never a right time, situation, or place to drink Keystone Light. It will ruin your life and your taste buds and you will thank me for this later." And then I will proceed to rush out of the grocery store as fast as I can so I don't have to see it again.
3. Netflix and Chill
Ef this term. I hate this term. Why? Because I love Netflix, and I love to chill. And by that I mean if a boy ever said to me "Netflix and chill?" I'd respond back with "Put on the most recent episodes of Grey's Anatomy and make sure to stock your pantry up with some bomb ass cereal and I'll be there in 5." And then if he tries to pull anything crazy, I'll give him the most disgusted and wild look with my half-full mouth of Cocoa Puffs and my hair thrown up in a ratchet bun. No. Don't invite me over to Netflix and chill, pal. Because I have a very emotional and special relationship with Netflix and do not intend for anything else to happen when it is on and I am invested in my show. Thank you.
4. Matte Cars
Please stop with the matte cars. It's honestly annoying and it doesn't even look that wonderful. Like I know you have a crap ton of money and can afford to paint your 2016 Cayenne Porsche matte black, that's awesome but you really do look like a douche. Not only that, but when you go 75MPH down a residential street in your luxurious vehicle, you don't look cool. No, you just give me total anxiety that you're going to hit some innocent pedestrian crossing the road because you were too busy going way too fast trying to find the right Pandora station to blast in your car so the bass is so loud it gives everyone within a five-mile radius a freaking heart attack. Plus, you're car looked better when it was shiny, matte just makes your car look depressing and it makes me sad that a once beautiful car has now turned ugly. And it's your fault.
