102 Drunk Thoughts While Watching 'Charlie And The Chocolate Factory'

102 Drunk Thoughts While Watching 'Charlie And The Chocolate Factory'

Spoiler: I hate Charlie Bucket
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I saw "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory" five times in theaters when it first came out. I was a macabre child. But I still believe that the original can't hold a candle to the 2005 remake, mostly due to the hilariously sociopathic attitude Johnny Depp brings to his role as Willy Wonka. When I saw that it had finally been added to Netflix, I knew what I had to do: break out the Franzia and record my thoughts on one of my childhood favorites, partly as an experiment to test my observational capabilities once the last drop had left the box, and partly because I want to be taken seriously as a writer and I'm positive that this will be my magnum opus.

So here they are, my 102 semi-censored thoughts on Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, relatively free of inhibitions:

1. Chocolate-making shouldn't be this weird and sterile.

2. Wow this seems like a really inconvenient and costly way to make candy. How does Willy Wonka stay in business?

3. Why does this candy factory look like a maximum security Russian prison?

4. What kind of last name is Bucket?

5. No wonder you’re so ordinary and poor, Charlie. Your last name is Bucket.

6. WATCH OUT CHARLIE IT’S BELLATRIX LESTRA oh it’s just your mother.


7. This kid collects toothpaste caps. To build a scale model of a factory. Isn't that a sign of a serial killer?

8. Making chocolate birds is so unsanitary. Again, how does Willy Wonka stay in business?


9. Why does Willy Wonka dress like a pimp?

10. Chocolatepalacechocolatepalacechocolatepalace.

11. RIP Chocolate Palace.

12. FICKLEGRUBER?

13. PRODNOSE?

14. SLUGWORTH?

15. I WOULD NEVER BUY CANDY FROM ANY OF THEM. Those are such obvious villain names. That’s like buying candy from a guy named Lucifer von Stalin.

16. Wait the Buckets use the old­ people ­bed as a dinner table. That’s so subtly tragic.

17. Then why can't I stop laughing? Oh, wine.

18. I know they’re poor but why is Charlie's bed right under the snowy hole in the roof? Common sense doesn’t cost money, Charlie.

19. Wow this Golden Ticket thing is a genius marketing strategy. Those people are trampling each other to get to that candy.

20. Yay you found the first ticket, congrats Little Aryan Gloop.

21. Wait I think I’m Augustus Gloop. My ticket would definitely have a bite mark in it.

22. His mom said “he eats so many candy bars a day” like she was proud. Sit down, ma’am.

23. VERUCA? HA.

24. There has to be some kind of a union rule against making your employees unwrap candy every day.

25. *Mrs. Salt silently drinks a martini in the background*

26. Mrs. Salt is my spirit animal.

27. “Whipple-­Scrumptious Fudgemallow Delight” will be my stripper name if this writing thing doesn't work out.

28. “Whatever happens, you’ll still have the candy” is my new motto. Put that on my tombstone.

29. Oh my God he’s sharing his once-a-year candy bar with his family. What a goon.

30. And his grandma is just sniffing the chocolate. Somebody get her medication.

31. Why do Violet and her mother dress exactly alike?

32. And why do they both have bowl cuts?

33. And why does her mom have a bowl cut with bangs?

34. 400 trophies in the living room but no TV?! Violet deserved to lose the contest.

35. What is wrong with this family?

36. Teavee? Oh, I get it.

37. What year does this movie take place in? It looks like Tim Burton took all the worst parts of the 40s-80s, threw them together, and spray painted the whole thing grey. Classic Burton.

38. Sweet combover, Mr. Teavee. You can hardly tell you're 80% bald.

39. “In the end I only had to buy one candy bar.” So you think you're something special?

40. HAHAHAHAHA the Golden Ticket contest put Mr. Bucket out of a job.

41. Yeah Charlie, don't give that money you just found to your destitute family. Buy more candy instead. I guess that's what happens when you're raised by Bellatrix LeStrange.

42. WHY IS THERE A GOLDEN TICKET TWO BLOCKS FROM THE FACTORY?

43. “All the chocolate you could ever eat.” Somehow I don’t think he expected you, Augustus Gloop.

44. These kids are staring each other down and I'm a little intimidated.

45. Violet and her mother really need to stop dressing alike.

46. Somebody remix this puppet song.

47. Oh Lord, the puppets are melting.

48. I seriously can't deal with the flaming robots, the mother/daughter twins, and the Gloop Globs all at the same time. Somebody help me.

49. Johnny Depp, give me your sunglasses. Now.

50. And those purple leather gloves, too.

51. Hello, I'm Willy Wonka, welcome to my factory, let me insult you.

52. "I'm Augustus Gloop, I luff your sho-co-latt." "I can see that." Dzamn, ice cold.

53. His shudder when Violet hugs him is my life in a nutshell.

54. “I always thought a veruca was a type of wart you got on the bottom of your foot.” *silence* (I just Googled it. He's right. Also, don't Google "veruca".)

55. Willy Wonka just spent a solid five minutes insulting children.

56. “Let’s be friends.” “Best friends.” -­ freshmen on the first day of college.

57. Wow, candy room. You can tell Augustus just glooped himself.

58. And of course Teavee just starts smashing candy. Put this kid on Vivance.

59. I learned to save my gum behind my ear from Violet Beauegarde and I'm still doing it a decade later. I really need to break that habit.

60. Augustus seriously couldn’t wait for Willy to finish his story before he started eating again?

61. I wouldn't either.

62. Those kids are not even phased by the almost-certain death of another kid on the tour. What is wrong with these little children of the candy corn?

63. I want Oompa Loompas at my funeral to sing about how I died.

64. Willy Wonka: The Man Who Feared No Lawsuit.

65. Violet’s mom is hitting on Willy Wonka. She really wants her daughter to win this thing.

66. Why does Willy Wonka keep having PTSD-style flashbacks?

67. Oh, right, because his dad threw his candy in the fireplace as a child. If my dad tried to pull that crap I would have put myself up for adoption.

68. Willy Wonka whips cows to get whipped cream, for the love of God, somebody call PETA.

69. If Wonka makes Everlasting Gobstopper for kids with just a little allowance money, what does he make for people up to their armpits in student loan debt?

70. Okay, Wonka, if you didn’t want the kids to eat the gum why would you let Violet have it? She never shuts up about how much gum she chews.

71. OH wait you DID want her to chew it. I get it now. Wink wink, nudge nudge.

72. “VIOLET, you’re turning … VIOLET!” You think you’re clever, Tracksuit?

73. “I can’t have a blueberry as a daughter. How is she supposed to compete?!” “You could put her in a country fair!”


74. I hope the Oompa-Loompas write their own music.

75. “Let’s boogie!” - Willy Wonka after another child falls victim to his obviously-hazardous factory.

76. Hey, look another weird, traumatic flashback.

77. The number of times the word “daddy” is said in this film bothers me.

78. "When Squirrels Attack": this Sunday on Lifetime.

79. The squirrels have no problem throwing the brat into an incinerator. I like their style.

80. Much like me in my senior year of high school, Willy Wonka doesn’t even try to hide his hatred for these people. I respect that.

81. This song about a child falling into a heap of garbage is catchy. Is it on iTunes?

82. It is.

83. Take me to fudge mountain.

84. Why are so many animals involved in the making of Wonka's candy? Sheep, squirrels, cows, it's like a giant sugar-themed nativity scene.

85. OH MY GOD MIKE TEAVEE GO HOME.

86. Thank God they can’t really send chocolate over the TV. I would be so fat.

87. Ter.

88. OPRAH CAMEO

89. I want to root for Charlie so badly but he’s just so annoying. And so painfully dumb.

90. Roald Dahl’s message to kids: it doesn’t matter if you’re dumb as long as you’re nice.

91. Willy Wonka better have good teeth with all that headgear he had to wear as a child.

92. Mike Teavee listens to Nickleback.

93. Mike Teavee shops at Pac Sun.

94. Wait so this is basically "The Hunger Games" but with candy at stake. I would actually compete in that.

95. Willy Wonka just crushed a peasant family’s shack with his glass elevator.

96. “Look at me. I had no family and I’m a giant success.” - Willy Wonka. Yeah, you also intentionally harm children so don't brag.

97. Charlie would give up owning Wonka Inc. to be with his family. See? The kid's an idiot. He doesn’t deserve it. Give it to Augustus.

98. THE BUCKETS ARE HAVING A REAL DINNER FOR ONCE!

99. Wonka has gold Ws on the bottom of his shoes. God this man has style.

100. Wonka's dad saved every newspaper article about him and his success. Brb while I sob into my hoodie.

101. “Boys, no business at the dinner table.” LADYBUCKET, DO YOU WANT TO GO BACK TO EATING CABBAGE SOUP EVERY NIGHT? NO, SO CHARLIE HAS TO DO BUSINESS AT THE DINNER TABLE. JUST BE HAPPY YOUR DUMB, AVERAGE SON WON A CONTEST THAT SAVED YOU FROM CRUSHING POVERTY.

102. “And life was never sweeter.” Yeah, end on a pun Tim Burton.

Cover Image Credit: http://images2.static-bluray.com/reviews/11414_1.jpg

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I'd Rather Be Single Than Settle – Here Is Why Being Picky Is Okay

They're on their best behavior when you're dating.
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Dating nowadays described in one word: annoying.

What's even more annoying? when people tell you that you're being too "picky" when it comes to dating. Yes, from an outside perspective sometimes that's exactly what it looks like; however, when looking at it from my perspective it all makes sense.

I've heard it all:

"He was cute, why didn't you like him?"

"You didn't even give him a chance!"

"You pay too much attention to the little things!"

What people don't understand is that it's OKAY to be picky when it comes to guys. For some reason, girls in college freak out and think they're supposed to have a boyfriend by now, be engaged by the time they graduate, etc. It's all a little ridiculous.

However, I refuse to put myself on a time table such as this due to the fact that these girls who feel this way are left with no choice but to overlook the things in guys that they shouldn't be overlooking, they're settling and this is something that I refuse to do.

So this leaves the big question: What am I waiting for?

Well, I'm waiting for a guy who...

1. Wants to know my friends.

Blessed doesn't even begin to describe how lucky I am to have the friends that I do.

I want a guy who can hang out with my friends. If a guy makes an effort to impress your friends then that says a lot about him and how he feels about you. This not only shows that he cares about you but he cares about the people in your life as well.

Someone should be happy to see you happy and your friends contribute to that happiness, therefore, they should be nothing more than supportive and caring towards you and your friendships.

2. Actually, cares to get to know me.

Although this is a very broad statement, this is the most important one. A guy should want to know all about you. He should want to know your favorite movie, favorite ice cream flavor, favorite Netflix series, etc. Often, (the guys I get stuck on dates with) love to talk about themselves: they would rather tell you about what workout they did yesterday, what their job is, and what they like to do rather than get to know you.

This is something easy to spot on the first date, so although they may be "cute," you should probably drop them if you leave your date and can recite everything about their life since the day they were born, yet they didn't catch what your last name was.

3. How they talk about other women.

It does not matter who they're talking about, if they call their ex-girlfriend crazy we all know she probably isn't and if she is it's probably their fault.

If they talk bad about their mom, let's be honest, if they're disrespecting their mother they're not going to respect you either. If they mention a girl's physical appearances when describing them. For example, "yeah, I think our waitress is that blonde chick with the big boobs"

Well if that doesn't hint they're a complete f* boy then I don't know what else to tell you. And most importantly calling other women "bitches" that's just disrespectful.

Needless to say, if his conversations are similar to ones you'd hear in a frat house, ditch him.

4. Phone etiquette.

If he can't put his phone down long enough to take you to dinner then he doesn't deserve for you to be sitting across from him.

If a guy is serious about you he's going to give you his undivided attention and he's going to do whatever it takes to impress you and checking Snapchat on a date is not impressive. Also, notice if his phone is facedown, then there's most likely a reason for it.

He doesn't trust who or what could pop up on there and he clearly doesn't want you seeing. Although I'm not particularly interested in what's popping up on their phones, putting them face down says more about the guy than you think it does.

To reiterate, it's okay to be picky ladies, you're young, there's no rush.

Remember these tips next time you're on a date or seeing someone, and keep in mind: they're on their best behavior when you're dating. Then ask yourself, what will they be like when they're comfortable? Years down the road? Is this what I really want? If you ask yourself these questions you might be down the same road I have stumbled upon, being too picky.. and that's better than settling.

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Poetry On The Odyssey: It's a Girl

An ode to the little girl raised to be insecure.

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They raise little girls to be insecure

Little girls grow to be big girls

People always ask big girls why they're so insecure

Big girls aren't quite sure

Day after day the big girl can't keep up

She's exhausted

Her soul feels worn

The big girl learns to grow hard

In a way, she's a bit stronger

People call her a bitch

Bitch

What is that?

How can she let that affect her

It's simply the only way to be her

She mourns that little girl

Hoping that one day

She'll be strong


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