I got cast in a show this semester. With the help of a friend, I was tipped off to an audition coming up for Chivalry Me Timbers and it was a success. I get to play an ensemble character by the name of Rusty Spittoon and so far playing this character has been a blast. Being involved in a show this semester has really meant a lot to me. I missed it all.
Why write about this now? Well, I had a dream where I came back home and was asked to perform at my old high school for a talent show as an honorary performer. I was in theater all four years of high school, and was voted most likely to be an actor in my yearbook. With recent events, this dream on top of it all had me waking up crying tears of joy, of nostalgia, and of sadness. I knew I missed theater, but I didn’t realize how much I missed performing. Being involved in a show and this dream made me realize just how much I did.
I used to be convinced I was going to be a musical theater major, but I decided against it my senior year, due to some really frustrating experiences that left me jaded. The family atmosphere at my school that I grew to love was sacrificed at the cost of producing a show in quicker, more efficient time. We were in a rush after many snow days wrecked our schedule. Students were often shouted at for barely making whispers, or when they were just trying to have fun to let loose the stress of the situation, they were penalized. It was awful, and made me wish I hadn’t auditioned to begin with. It made me incredibly angry that the second home I had on stage performing with friends I considered family was now a hell I didn’t want to come back to. While the show we eventually performed was perhaps one of our better ones, for me personally I was just thankful that we didn’t have to stop in between songs for another lecture, that the end of our performances was truly the end. I was relieved when I didn’t have to perform anymore. All this made me seriously doubt being involved in theater, plus I had concerns of job practicality. I didn’t want to be always out of work if I wasn’t right for the casting calls, and if I was to be starving artist, I wanted to work at something I loved and my last show seriously damaged my love for theater. I went in undeclared my freshman year of college and ended up a Communications major with the help of my sister.
It was a difficult decision, because I love to act, sing and perform. Those are still three great passions of mine, and while writing and being a journalist is definitely what I want to do, it still hurts sometimes that I just can't break out into song or behave through the lens of someone's eyes that aren't my own. My mother told me before high school started that I had to join a club and get involved in something while I was in school, and I joined theater to challenge myself. I was so shy, you could have put me on stage shaking like a leaf and blown on me and I would have fallen over. I decided to quit hiding in the dark and to go into the light by facing my fears directly. Creating these characters was my own way of coming out of my shell where I was too afraid to be myself, so I decided to be other people on stage. No matter how brief my role, being on stage is where I felt the most free.
I also can’t forget the family of friends I made there. The more time I spent with others, the more that we felt cohesive as a team as our relationships grew. My best friends back home in little ol’ Fuquay-Varina are all my friends mainly because of the times we had in theater. We moved sets, spent hours painting and building, changed lights, we sang and we danced altogether both onstage and off to put on the best show we could. And we had fun, on top of all of surmounting stress. These experiences I had performing with my best friends in front of hundreds of people are what shaped me into who I am, and I feel I owe a personal debt to that. I can’t just leave theater behind, I know now that I still have to perform. It’s a vital part of who I am.
Between my senior and my freshman year of college, I really began to doubt my craft. Was I just one of the favored ones from the small selection of my hometown? Was I really all that good to begin with? These doubts led me to not wanting to audition, thinking I had no talent compared to those who actually auditioned for the program here at Western. The outpouring of love and respect that I've felt from my cast mates has been overwhelmingly appreciated and felt. The fact that someone in my cast has approached me and asked me wondering why I'm not in the acting program because I show talent has meant the world to me. In fact, it dissuaded many of the doubts I had. I still have much to learn, and I won't be learning many of the cool tips and tricks those within the acting/musical theater majors will learn that will certainly put them steps above others (including myself), but that won’t stop the fact I’m going to audition for what I can. Being in love with theater is a lifelong passion, and I can’t let it slip.
What about that dream I mentioned? I performed my favorite song “Wait For It” from the new hit musical, “Hamilton” in said dream. In reality, I by no means have the vocal chops of Leslie Odom Jr. or am meant to be cast in such a role, but I could write a whole personal essay on how much that song means to me. Don’t worry, I’ll keep it brief. In the song, Aaron Burr has a soliloquy where at one point he admires Alexander Hamilton for always charging forward and taking what he wants, not wasting time by being completely unrestrained. And Burr with the way he’s wired he has instead chosen to wait for a better opportunity for himself to appear and there has to be a reason why Hamilton succeeds; it can’t just be his drive and will alone. “And if there’s a reason/He seems to thrive when so few survive, then Goddamnit—I’m willing to wait for it”.
I have wanted to be a Hamilton all my life. I’ve wanted to drive forward with sheer force of will to accomplish my goals, I want to have a positive impact on the world and do something important before I die. I’ve always been obsessed and terrified of the potential outcomes stacking against me. I can admit the fact I’ve lacked courage in my past. Whether it’s been my anxiety, lack of resources, concern for my own well-being, or just circumstances beyond my control, I’ve had to wait for what I want. When I was young, I wanted to be a teenager. I hated being treated like a kid, because I felt I was smarter than that. I’ve never been completely satisfied of my current circumstances. My last year of high school, senioritis hit me hard and I wanted to get the hell out of Fuquay. Now I’m currently dating someone back in my hometown, and all I want to do is get back to my family, my friends, and my girlfriend. I’m still the same person, deep down. I want so many things that are seemingly out of my grasp, and understandably so because no one has control over time. It just goes, bending to no one’s intent. You just have to bide time, save up, and wait.
Like Burr, I have always insisted that I was in control of my own life that I was “an inimitable…an original” with something to say. What all I have to say is…well, I haven’t figured it all out yet. That’s a little frustrating, but it’s okay. I’ve got a lot to accomplish at college, like a few projects I need to catch up or perfecting my lines. There’s plenty still to do and charge into while I lie in wait, trying to figure out how to exactly accomplish all my ambitions. With the help of this show and cast, I have discovered that I can’t just let theater go by the wayside until after I graduate – I have to be a part of it. I really have to thank my current cast and production team for my newfound purpose and rediscovered passion. This show, surprisingly enough, by simply being involved has meant the world to me. I truly believe being involved in any show is truly worth the time. And when it comes to the good times and the bad, if there's a reason I got cast and I had this dream, well, I'm willing to wait for the right times to audition this next year.
That being said, come see Chivalry Me Timbers! It’s a traveling show, so come see us at the Macon County Public Library at 6:30 P.M. on April 26 and the Mad Batter in Sylva on at 6:30 on April 26.