For the past month I've been struggling with having an unstructured life. I've always been a girl with a plan, and big ambitious to go along with it. However, in the past month or so, I have no idea where my life is heading; no idea what I am doing, and no plan. I decided to run away for a few days to Hawaii and indulge in having no plan. However, as spontaneous and unstructured as it was, I feel like I found something I have been searching for. And that is my desire to be a turtle.
What does that mean? Well, in Hawaii I went snorkeling, and as the waves would pull me to which ever way it desired, I'd try to fight it. I'd try to tell the ocean, "No, I'm going to go this way," and swim with all my might in the opposite direction. Odd enough, the ocean didn't listen. It had other plans for me. And the more I fought the ocean, the more exhausted I got, and the more I began to observe what was actually going on. As I proceeded to give up, and look at what was around me, I started to notice the turtles everywhere. There were turtles bigger than me, and many smaller turtles too. But as the ocean took its course, pulling the tide inwards and outwards, the turtles didn't fight. As they'd be embarking in one direction, once the ocean swayed them around, they'd follow a different directions with no hesitation at all. Yet I was floating over them, fighting the ocean, and trying to get my way. And in this, I began to notice a pattern.
I live to live my life by a plan that God had not necessarily set up for me. I try to fight his current and stay fixated on my own. Yet, I fail to realize that God has a plan better, and if I were to simply give up and let myself flow with his plan for me, just as the turtles flowed along the oceans tides, I'd have so much more peace. However, I think the problem with humans is that it's hard to acknowledge that we are weak creatures. In comparison to the ocean, I am nothing, but within myself I am everything. And it's hard to understand that I don't have control of my life, and as hard as I try to fight life, and God's will for me, I always getting pushed into the grace of His will anyways and later on realizing, His way is so much better. The gift of vulnerability is so beautiful and so lost in this world. I fail to be controlled by vulnerability on the daily, and lack the courage to live my life blindly, such as the turtles and various other aquatic animals. I am a lost cause for a plan, and all humans are. No matter how put together you may be, anything can happen to turn your world around at any second. And that's the beautiful, scary mystery of life... There is no path that is set in stone. As much as you may cry for it to be true. And it is because of this that I fight and desire to live a life of vulnerability and trust that God will sway me in directions that I have not planned, for the better. I must forget my plans and stay faithful that with hard work, I will end up in some kind of beautiful.
