Howdy doody, folks! Your favorite cynic is back with some hot and toasty content, so sit back, relax, grab some gluten-free whatever, and keep on reading!
You're probably sitting there in your college dorm, apartment, or some other place you didn't pay for yourself, and are thinking "Me, suck? How can that be?" Rest easy, because, as the title suggests, I'm going to tell you exactly why you suck, AND it's going to be in less than 12 paragraphs!
The first reason you suck is that you're taking the time to read this. Have you no life? It took me less time to write this thing than it's going to take you to read it, and it's not even going to make you smarter. Have you thought about maybe picking up a book, loser? Look at you. Letting me disparage you through an article.You are filth. God, if only your parents could see you right now, reading an article written by someone you're never going to meet. What's that? You don't like my tone? I'm coming off a bit rude? Well, in the words of the late, great, George Carlin - "You know where to stick it."
Moving right along, the second reason why you're indisputably awful is because of the sheer amount of pretentiousness you radiate. What kind of degenerate reads a website like The Oddyssey? How full of yourself do you have to be to go here? You think it makes you look smart and cultured? It doesn't. It makes you look like someone who's desperately clinging on to anything they can claim at this point in their lives to have discovered themselves, which we all know you didn't,because you blow. Hard. And you know what the worst part about this is? You're just gonna sit there and take it. You're going to continue to let me ream you out like this because you are spineless.
To those of you who have made it this far, I congratulate you. The first step to admitting you suck is embracing the suck, and I think it's safe to say anyone who made it through the vitriol of the above paragraphs is embracing some serious suckage. The last step to understanding why you suck is understanding where a lot of it comes from- your clothes. Look at them. Wait, no. I have a better idea. If you own any of the below clothing items or accessories, you might just suck.
- Scrunchie
- Vans
- Chuck Taylors/Converse All-Stars
- Sperry's
- Nike Free Series/Roshes
- Skinny Jeans
- Jean jacket
- Skinny jacket
- Skinny jean jacket
- Septum piercing
- Ear gauges
- Glasses
- Oxfords/Brogues
- Seersucker anything
- Southern Tide/Marsh brand clothing, or anything like it.
- Jordan's (Esp. If you don't even play basketball.)
- Anything with a YKK zipper
- Chaps button up
- Aeropostale anything (What are you, 12?)
- Abercrombie anything
If you said "Yes" to any of these, you may just suck, I'm sorry. Now, I'm going to go to sleep, and wake up perfect like I always do. You will continue to suck. These are the cards we have been dealt.
