Well, here we are. You've gone and clicked on the headline, even though I practically told you not to. Do you feel special? Like a rebel, staring expectation in the face? Like you're privy to a secret that only an exceptional few dare to gaze upon? Don't kid yourself. Welcome to the weirdest list you will ever read in your short, human life. (And yes, it's even weirder than "7 Great Foods To Eat In The Shower".)
1. It is a complete waste of time.
Seriously, you couldn't think of a better way to procrastinate? Go browse the Wikipedia page on moths or something. Anything would be better than this trash.
2. The headline is clearly clickbait.
It's almost as bad as those "You Won't Believe…!" posts. One time, I clicked on one that was like, "You Won't Believe What These Child Stars Look Like Now!" And wow, what a surprise: they looked like adults. Not all of us are plastic, unaging robots manufactured solely for public entertainment, okay? Maybe I should have titled this: "You Won't Believe How Disappointed You'll Be At The End Of This List!"
3. There are too many ads.
(Unless you have adblocker.) And all around, you can find recommendations for more time-wasting articles just like this one! Articles? Blog Posts? Lists? What do I even call this? Odyssey calls it a 'listicle', but I don't like that word because it sounds like 'testicle'.
4. There's nothing at the end of this list.
If you're expecting a punchline, it's not going to come. Better click away now. Go read something productive, like, "10 Reasons You Should Write a Novel."
5. Okay, I wrote a novel.
I wrote it in the 1-2 seconds it took for you to scroll down. It's about a person who was so bored that they decided to click on a really boring Odyssey article. Yeah, that's right. It's about you. No, you can't read it. Besides, you're already so engrossed in reading this.
6. Only Joe would keep reading beyond this point.
7. Why are you still here?
Were the ads not enough to deter you? Are you a completionist, like someone who tries to find all the hidden treasures and easter eggs in their video games? That takes dedication. Props to you. But there's nothing hidden in this article. The first letters of each sentence definitely don't spell out a secret message or anything.
8. It is a complete waste of time.
You're not crazy: this is a repeat of Reason #1. See, look at how poorly written this article is. And it's only going to get worse. Some words might be missspelld, and I might not even finish my
9. Last chance to leave before you're truly shocked!
Dammit, what's wrong with me? I tried to spare you from this nonsense, I really did. I can't help it that my headlines are all clickbait and my content is all garbage. I know there's nothing I can do to stop you from clicking to the tenth and final slide. Well, I guess I could hack into your device and make everything crash at this very second, but I'm not going to do that because… because I care about you. I push everyone away, and yet, you've stayed with me until the end. Despite myself, I have enjoyed our time together. Thank you for this experience. But, like I said in Reason #4…