Why You Shouldn't Chase After Love

Why You Shouldn't Chase After Love

This is for the people who either constantly chase after relationships, witness those that do, or know someone that does.

I see people like this in relationships a lot, way more than I should. It's a tiring thing to watch and even more so to be a part of. Most people either know someone who has been through this, is currently going through it, or perhaps that person is you. But if you are “the chaser” in a relationship, you are someone who is putting much more effort into a relationship than their partners are, and aren't getting nearly what they deserve for it. Coming from someone who has experienced relationships like this many times, I have a message for you, the Chasers, to help you realize what took me too long to understand.

I was the kind of person that frequently subjected themselves to these kinds of relationships. Where I was always the person who was putting in all my time and effort and getting nothing back but frustration. It's not that I'm attracted to these types of relationships, but that I truly didn't think they were unhealthy. My tipping point was in my freshman year of college. I was with a boy who, by my standards, was perfect in every way. On all accounts, I was sold from the beginning. And initially, I had felt that the feeling was mutual. As the months wore on though, I found myself almost always starting conversations first, moving my schedule to times when he was “free”, and staying up late to talk to him because I didn't know when I'd talk to him next. I started picking up on some of these tendencies, and I asked him if he was truly interested in me or if I was only thinking he was. He would assure me that he really was into me but it just wasn't the right time for him. I was too afraid to actually confront him about it for a while because when I was hanging out with him, I would experience the connection that I so wanted to be there, and I told myself that I was just overexaggerating the whole thing and that maybe I was too clingy and he just wanted his space. But in the end, he was only going along with this because it benefitted him. I was just a convenience to him for when he felt lonely; a confidant who wouldn't leave him no matter what he did because I was convinced that the connection was actually there.

It took me 8 months to realize that he was just stringing me along the whole time, and I was crushed. What crushed me even more was how he let it go so easily. This thing that I had been putting all this effort into was suddenly dead. But this is exactly the unhealthy part when someone takes complete dominance of the relationship and only uses the other person when they want to. For the chasers in relationships, if you don't realize that this is an unhealthy tendency, you tend to hold onto those affections and the attention because that keeps the upsetting reality at bay. Those false actions are what keep these types of relationships alive: the emotional manipulation of one and the oversight of the other to not act on the unhealthy relationship.

I didn't act on it either until my best friend from back home had this conversation with me:

Her: “You see, you keep making all these excuses for him and defending him, and this only tells him that what he's doing is okay. Which it's not."

Me: “But what if I confront him about it and he doesn't come back? What if he ends it?”

Her: “Then fine! Why would you wanna to be with someone that doesn't want you? Why would you wanna be with someone like that anyway?”

This had been the same thing that other people had been telling me for over half a year. But for some reason, the way she said it snapped me back into reality and made me realize just how unhealthy the situation was.

This is the million dollar question that everyone who feels like they are chasing after a relationship needs to ask themselves. Why would you be with someone who doesn't truly care about you? Why would you put yourself through that? Relationships don't have to be stressful and frustrating all the time. Sure you are going to have ups and downs, but in the end, a relationship, friendship, or any of the like, should flow with each person putting in the same amount of effort. There's a point for making changes for your partner, but if you are always the person moving and adjusting for the other, that's not okay.

The simplest action you can do for yourself is, if the guy or girl that you are with plays with your feelings, walk away from them. When someone is truly interested in you, there will be no need for one person to do all the chasing. It's not healthy for someone in a relationship to do all the calling, texting, dating arrangements, etc., it's pretty obvious where you stand in that person's life. When someone really wants you, you won't have to chase after them like they are some celebrity who barely has time for a fan. You will be their priority. These things are tough: tough to realize and tougher to act upon. But I assure you, those little things they are doing to keep you in are not worth the heartache if the situation is maintained.

If you are the person who is currently dealing with a situation like this, I assure you that you are worth much more than that person who is treating you this way sees you. If you take anything from this article, I just want you to know that you will never regret taking care of yourself first. You will never regret doing things for the benefit of your own health. You may be in this tough situation, but you don't need to stay in it. Be confident in yourself. Be bold in your self-worth. And know that no matter how others or the world may treat you, the best thing you can do is be kind to yourself.

You should live for yourself first. Emotionally manipulative people are a secondary character in your life. Do not allow someone to turn you into a secondary character in your own story.

Cover Image Credit: Live Wallpaper

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An Open Letter To The Boy I Never Dated

Thanks for the memories.

Dear Boy I Never Dated,

You know who you are. I just want to get a couple things off my chest.

First, I want to say thank you. Thank you for being my friend, my ally, and at one point an important part of my life. Despite the fact that our relationship never went past the friend stage, I will never regret the time I spent with you or the memories we made. I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason, so we were meant to be in each other's lives. Sure, I could go on and say that you missed out, how I'm an awesome person and all that stuff but that wouldn't do anything. We're both awesome people. Us never being a couple could never take away from that.

Honestly, I still consider us to be friends no matter where life takes us. I'm only one text or Snapchat away.

I do want to make one thing clear: I've moved on. I don't care what you've thought in the past or what you've been told, I'm seriously over it. I've been over it, despite what you think. I'm over everything; the pointless drama, the rumors, the over-thinking, and the self-doubt. I no longer care that you weren't interested in me in "that way." Honestly, this all went down so long ago that I don't even remember everything that happened.

I've met new people, had new experiences, and grew as a person. You've even noticed that I've changed. I'm the not the same girl that pined for you all those years ago. I care about you, obviously, but I know where we stand. Neither one of us needs to deal with the what-ifs or maybe-some-days. We both deserve loving committed relationships where the person you're with is 100% invested in you and vice versa. So maybe I am a text away, but that doesn't mean I'm available anymore.

If there's one thing about people that can get you down is that we're always disappointing. Either we're disappointing other people or disappointing ourselves. It is way too easy to break your own heart. I was guilty of that I think. I got too optimistic and thought we were on some path to greatest when in reality we were just two young kids that enjoyed spending time together. When things didn't go in my favor, I probably placed the blame on you because I was upset.

It took time for me to reflect and finally accept that I wasn't perfect, either. Now, I don't think anyone was at fault. Whether it was bad timing, lack of compatibility, or maybe lack of maturity neither one of one did anything wrong. At the time, it seemed so horrible that we never even tried but when I look back it's not a big deal.

To be completely honest, I'm now glad we never dated. There is no more resentment, bitterness, or pettiness. I don't think there was any to begin with, but I apologize if there was. Our lives may be going toward separate paths, but they're both paths of greatest. I'm completely, absolutely happy with where I am in life and all I can say is that I wish the same for you. When our paths do cross again someday, I'll be more than happy to see you.

With (platonic) love,

The Girl You Never Dated

Cover Image Credit: freestocks.org

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Poetry On Odyssey: Future

After fighting through the storm, I finally found my sunshine.


As lilies bloomed and weeping willows swayed in the breeze,
I took a step towards it; my future.
As the light grew brighter and my hair danced in the lilac-scented breeze,
I took a step towards it; my future.
As the heavy wooden doors parted ways and lilac petals were sucked in,
I took a step towards it; my future.
As the ancient doors closed behind me and our eyes met,
I took a step into it; my future.

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