Family is that seemingly arbitrary but ultimately undeniable connection to a select batch of our fellow human beings. One hears a lot of theses especially divisive times that families are struggling not to let the societal divides break them apart.

Families in all sides of my own life (My mother’s family, my father’s family and my fiance’s family) would be experiencing fractiousness in even the sunniest of societal conditions, but the division seems to have grown more pointed in the past two years.

Conflicts are no longer about what sister made some offense to MeeMa’s legacy by throwing away some piece of inherited tchotchke. They have instead become deep, bitter arguments over whose voting record maintain an ethical high ground and bullying others for perceived wins and lose.

There is an immense amount of pressure, I imagine in most stateside households, to bury these conflicts in anticipation of the oncoming holidays and gatherings. The appeals of “Grin and bear it.” “Don’t bring it up.””It’s one day a year” ring throughout the pre-holiday period like Christmas bells.

Some would assert that this is part and parcel of the U.S.A’s long tradition of selective puritanism and repressive prudishness. The stars and stripes version of the stiff upper lip, if you will. Conflict, even in the form of civil dialogue, is too painful for our sensitive hearts; therefore it must be avoided at all costs.

So why do we avoid confronting the differences with the group we believe to have the closest ties to? Because conflict feels unpleasant. Because it’s hard to balance respect for elders with a fundamental moral objection to those elders. Because it’s basically difficult to demonstrate love for a person and hate for ideas they hold without conflating the two.

We lack a sturdy foundation or social guideline that gives us a language for bridging this gap. I have noticed many in my own circles, in response to this lacking, throw care to the wind and just start attacking people who disagree vehemently. Their spirit can certainly be admired, and at least they take the large issues of the day seriously, but their results are not particularly convincing.

People tend to double down and turtle up when you attack their positions on societal issues. They aren’t convinced by name calling or shame (for the most part.) I don’t think the way through the family dilemma is to start abandoning the concept and forming our clans based on people that agree with us.

More flies with honey. One almost always gets more desirable conflict resolution with a gentler touch. Ask questions that prompt the opposing party to see things from a different angle. Dig down and see if you can find some common bedrock to build on.

This works better the more decent a human being you’re dealing with, but one finds that even the deplorable and the abhorrent to have goodness buried in their soul. It’s not easy, and it is always okay to relinquish the pursuit and abandon all ties, but sometimes it might just be worth it. Good luck.