Holden Caulfield, the main character from J.D. Salinger’s ‘Catcher in the Rye’, believed in the beauty of innocence. His writing spoke to the innocence of the youth and to the corruption of aging. While his intense fascination with these concepts landed him in a mental hospital (spoiler alert, I am sorry except that everyone should have read this book so I take back my apology), he was very right in believing the idea that innocence is bliss.

As I have grown, from the little girl on the playground at recess who didn’t care if people thought I was weird for playing with worms, to the freshmen in college who pretends to be grossed out at the sight of any bug, I have become far too aware of both the misery and beauty life has to offer. Moving up in the school system each year brought new and eye opening experiences. Recognizing that ‘cooties’ were no longer a thing and the pressure to look a certain way wasn’t just a movie screen idea, but had become more and more prevalent. My junior year opened my eyes to the horrific experiences of life and death that I hope no one ever has to deal with. Still trying to grasp on to the lense of innocence, my blue skies started to bleed, even hemorrhage, and as fast as I tried to bandage a wound, another opened.

While struggling, I started going to yoga with my mom as my love for running had started to diminish. Running, my thick thighs chaffed . Yoga welcomed my body in a warm embrace. I started going to yoga with my mom when I felt suffocated in the town that I was supposed to call home. Entering the studio was like entering a portal. If I wanted to feel like I was in a different place, I could. If I wanted to see the good in everything and walk out of class with eyes of optimism and innocence, yoga would let me. I started going to yoga on my own when my community stopped stressing the importance of self-worth. Slim, thick, tall, short, old, young, smart, dumb, it didn’t matter, as any person of any variation of body type could do yoga and look amazing doing it. I started going to yoga as often as possible when I realized it was one of the few things that kept me looking forward, kept me moving forward. It was as if by practicing being in the present moment was opening the space in front of me and allowing me to let go of the troubles behind.

My first yoga experience completely destroyed my body. I was embarrassed by my inability to hold poses and was more sore from it than any other exercise I had endured - and i was a varsity runner and soccer player. I quickly started to realize that yoga was more than a physical exercise. As I deepened my practice yoga became an intellectual and emotional workshop, a place where I could breathe (regardless of the studio being at 110 degrees), and breathe deeply . Fifty chaturangas in and my lungs would already feel more open and my head completely clear. As I inhaled fresh breaths, and exhaled stale thoughts, I no longer had to be the stick thin runner or the put together extrovert at school. I could just be. Yoga helped me see my self-worth and feel my self respect at a time when all beauty around me was seemingly being destroyed. In a room full of people, I could be completely alone in my practice and feel good about it, as opposed to hanging out with my friends (which is what I had considered highschool was all about), which had the capacity to making me feel beyond lonely. There is a huge difference in being alone, and being lonely.

Yoga has given me company and compassion in the loneliest and coldest parts of my life. I would get to class early in anticipation of entering the no judgement zone, a realm of silence with music and gentle coaching in the background for my own interpretation. Yoga opened up my mind, removed the worries from the thick of my skin and placed control back in my hands. Both my mom and I would agree, yoga has saved our sanity from the toxicity that comes with no longer living in a life of complete innocence.

I was lucky enough to experience the protection of yoga, learning the lifestyle that taught me to love my body and mind regardless of what is going on around me or within me. I was lucky enough to endure the physical practice that teaches insight and allows for reflection. Some would think that holding utkatasana (a physically stressful pose) for what seemed like forever would be the most daunting part, but it was times like shavasana (a physically restful pose) where being alone with my thoughts was the scariest part.

Now, I look forward to the realizations and mental/emotional states I experience in my practice. Having attended yoga at least three times a week, and now not going at all because I am two and a half hours away and at school, has truly opened my eyes to the role yoga played in my life. Entering a studio was a step to bettering my mental health, bettering my physical health, stabilizing my emotions and helping me become a smarter, more just human.

Forcing me to be in the moment - physically, emotionally, spiritually, and intellectually - I could release what was toxic to me, or corrupt, and I could restore myself to my youthful innocence. Maybe if Holden Caulfield had practiced yoga, he wouldn’t have gone insane.