Sometimes, it doesn't matter how long ago it was. You will still appear in my nightmares. If I'm in a crowd of people, and I see someone who resembles you I start feeling like I can't breathe. Your words stayed with me, your bruises may have faded, but the memories are always there.
I stayed quiet for so long about what I went through because I blamed myself for being in that situation, and for defending myself. I blamed myself for being attracted to you, and for going back even after it happened before I finally realized I wasn't obligated to stay. So I finally did it and left.
It could have been worse, I could have had bruises on my face, instead of a small scar from where you slapped me that only I know is there. I could have had nowhere to go and been trapped. The emotional abuse I made excuses for, because, let's face it, I was attracted to the attention you gave me. But attention isn't always a positive thing. You told me I was out of line, and that I deserved what happened to me. You told me that if I had just kept my mouth shut it wouldn't have happened. Or that if I don't keep my mouth shut, you will continue to put me through hell. I won't allow my hell to be yours anymore.
We all want to feel accepted by someone, if it's by them making us feel sexy or attractive, or by them telling us things that sound too good to be true. Even if the red flags are there, we ignore them. We so desperately wanted that acceptance we quit accepting the fact that we should be respected.
I knew I didn't love you, I didn't even want to be with you, but there was something about you that I couldn't stay away from. I liked your edginess, the way you didn't care just as much as I didn't care. Only the scary thing about not caring is, that I allowed myself to be put down. I thought it was acceptable, I thought well we just had a few drinks and it wouldn't happen again. But why stay and allow the possibility of it to happen again?
So many of us make that mistake, of blaming ourselves, of not talking to someone about the abuse. To thinking that if we don't talk about it, that means it didn't happen. But it did happen. It may not be what we deserved, but it is a part of our story, and who we are. The fact that we overcame it. The fact that we deserve to be treated better.
Respect starts with you. People will only respect you as much as you allow them too. Emotional or physical abuse can't be measured. The stories can't be compared, and the experiences will always stay with us. Thankfully the person who caused it is our choice if they stay with us. And the people who love us will support us no matter what we go, though.
Don't feel threatened to stay silent anymore. Talk with someone you trust, if it's recent don't let it go! Because if they got away with it once, they'll get away with it again.Don't allow yourself to be a victim, be someone better.
Stand up to abuse, and stand down from the abuser. You are worth more than you know. We are all valuable.
