Although I’m writing this from a female perspective, I believe this message can relate to men too. So men—stay with me here. Even before Women’s Rights, there have been hundreds of loudly-voiced, varied opinions on what it means to be empowered as a woman (or a man). I have found a lot of media and people who strongly believe in and push the idea that casual hook-ups are the way to empower yourself; a way to sexually experiment and truly get to know yourself. And for women, after coming from so many years of being oppressed, (Ahem-- Marital rape legal in 1950s), I don’t blame anyone for thinking this way.

Coming into college, I was told it was a time to “find myself”. I felt pressured to go out and try everything. Because a ton of my friends were doing it. I also felt pressured to casually hook-up. Finally having your own freedom. College frat parties. An increased importance on focusing on your own desires. An increased importance on alcohol. Tinder…need I say more? All of these seemed to reinforce a standard that I was supposed to be following—engaging in casual hookups and one-night stands. A “rite of passage” in college, or a way of life, for some people.

And while that may work alright for some people, I just couldn’t make it work for myself. I didn’t want to. I couldn’t risk the chance of being hurt and feeling guilt and regret—when I knew there was another way to go about “experimenting”—in my opinion, a much better, healthier, extremely more fulfilling one. What if I already knew what I wanted? Did I still have to engage in casual hookups if I knew they would only leave me feeling empty and unhappy? The answer is no. It was always no. I knew what I wanted—and still want—which is intimacy with emotions—all strings attached. I wanted someone who would take the time to get to know me before trying to get me in bed. I wanted to know that person too, maybe even love them. I wanted respect, and breakfast the next day. I wanted committed relationships. I don’t think I’m alone.

That being said, no shame to anyone who finds freedom, empowerment and happiness with no-strings-attached hookups or casual sex. In fact--more power to ya!! I’m not here to tell you how to live your life.

But to those who feel pressured to engage in something when it seems like all your friends are doing it—ask yourself what you really want. It helps a great deal to think about how you would feel after a casual hookup before you go out, get drunk, and just do it. Of course, sometimes things just happen. And sometimes we learn best by trying something.

“Most students think that their peers are enjoying the hook up culture, while not enjoying it themselves. In fact, 41% of those who reported hooking up describe it in pretty negative terms--"awkward, used, dirty, regretful, empty, alone, duped"--while another 23% were ambivalent. The final 36% were basically "fine" with hookups, but even most of them described it in less than glowing terms” –Dr. Donna Freitas, about her book Sex and the Soul.

I’ve heard way more negative one-night stand experiences from my friends than positive ones. You can learn about yourself and your sexuality without having an unwanted experience with some random stranger. You don’t have to learn in a way that could cause a lot of pain and regret. You can wait until you are (at least) pretty sure of what you want. Who cares if it is the unpopular opinion? It's your life, your body and your choice at the end of the day.

This lifestyle has been possible for me thus far, having avoided situations that would lead to unwanted consequences, and I have no regrets for the “experiments” I didn’t try, and the few times I did. All I learned from hooking up with someone who I didn’t have an emotional connection with is what makes me feel un-empowered, un-loved, unimportant, and what I don’t want to do again.

One article glorifying hookup culture and the benefits of casual sex states; “Rather than worrying about impressing the other person, you can be more assertive about what satisfies them in bed.” OR, you could find someone who you actually love and feel comfortable enough with to not have to worry about “impressing” them—someone who is with you because they are already impressed by you.

Even if relationships/real emotional connections are much harder to find, aren’t you worth the time?

I say you are.

Carry on.