Before I begin, let me put out the warning that this does mention sexual assault and rape.

I've heard my entire life that "boys will be boys," a phrase that has haunted me since I was old enough to understand it. I always asked "why can't girls be girls?" to which no adult had an answer. I've been trying to keep quiet on social media because this is a touchy subject and it should not be taken lightly. After thinking about it, though, I've decided that it's best to come forward and explain why I never reported any of the times I was taken advantage of.

We'll start with the first time, I was five years old and he was the eighteen year old brother of my thirteen year old babysitter. At first I wasn't afraid. I thought it was just a game. Then, he pinned me to the ground and started taking my clothes off. I didn't want to play anymore. I cried, praying that someone would help me. No one came. When I told my mom and stepdad that night, it was just "my wild imagination." Then, the dreaded phrase. "Boys will be boys" This effected my relationships growing up because I now thought that sex wasn't just between people that loved each other. It can be used to hurt someone too. I decided I was never going to have sex. We never pressed charges. And when I was finally old enough and wanted to, I couldn't remember his name. I just remembered him telling me "it won't hurt if you don't move."

The second time it happened, I was seventeen and he was a month younger than me. I had invited him over before and we ended up kissing. It was always kissing. I stopped him before it went any further. Then, one night, he decided that we should finally cross the line from kissing to sex. He decided. What I said didn't matter. "No" wasn't in his vocabulary. After fighting it and realizing I would never win, I gave up and stared at my bedroom door praying one of my parents would wake up and see what was happening. No one saw it. He told me, like I had heard before "it won't hurt if you don't fight." This went on for months. He bought me lingerie for doing what he wanted. I finally said something about it. My mom found out and went to the police without me to press charges. They couldn't find him. His new girlfriend messaged me and told me that I was a "slut" and that I really wanted it to happen. It never went to trial. There wasn't enough physical evidence.

The third time, I was twenty-two and he was twenty-five. I thought I was in love. It turned out to not be the case. But this isn't about our relationship. I would regularly spend the night at his house when I had to work in the morning since he lived closer to my job. Multiple times, though, I woke up with his hand on my shoulder as he was pulling my underwear off. He would lean close and whisper in my ear "this is what a slut like you deserves." I thought he was right. He wouldn't hurt me if he loved me, right? After he broke up with me and everything clicked that this was assault, I thought about going to the police. I wanted to. But he blackmailed me into staying silent. It wouldn't ever go to court. He knew people.

When I see Dr. Ford's report against Brett Kavanaugh, I remember all of the times I didn't speak up. Like when people were coming forward about Cosby, Weinstein, and Stacey. I should have said something then. I waited. I'm done waiting. The time to speak up is now. It's time to speak up for those who have been silenced. It's time to hold men accountable for their actions. It's time to stop saying "boys will be boys."