I’ve always had this really annoying habit. I can imagine you reading this and rolling your eyes because I seem to always have some habit, issue, or problem and that’s true. But this is something I see in so many of the women in my life that I believe something needs to be said. So here it is: I always, without fail, apologize for everything -- and I mean everything. I apologize for being upset, I apologize when I cry, I apologize when something is not my fault, I apologize to end arguments, I apologize when I bump into someone, I apologize when someone bumps into me -- I even apologize for apologizing. It really does sound like no big deal at first glance, but it has always bothered me. People have always questioned me as to why I am apologizing in certain situations and nine times out of 10 I have never had a reasonable answer: I was simply just sorry.

But for what am I sorry for exactly? For having emotions? For caring? For existing and breathing? Every single time I apologize for trivial things that are very clearly not my fault or have nothing to do with me, a part of me, my confidence most likely, dies a little bit.

And as it turns out there have been studies done on this exact problem. Of course, it is not just women over-apologizing. Men do it too, but the correlation with women and this issue are much higher than found in men. I can imagine some of my friends and family members reading this and thinking this is just a bunch of crap. “Isn’t apologizing polite? It’s a good and mature thing to do.” And I completely agree.

A person who can sincerely apologize in situations that need it are impressive, especially considering how many people in the world won’t own up to their mistakes. However that isn’t the issue I am talking about -- this is about claiming the blame as yours every single time. This is about the people who apologize for fear of conflict or causing any kind of trouble. This is about the people who apologize for being sad, angry, excited, or more. Feelings, in general, should never be something we apologize for. How you feel matters, and this is one of the main issues with over-apologizing.

Beverly Engel, a psychotherapist with over 25 years of experience says, “While apologizing humbles us and lets the other person know that we are no longer a threat to them, there is such a thing as being ‘too humble,’ especially at work.” When you say “sorry” for every little thing at work, your coworkers might lose respect for you and take advantage of what they perceive as your weakness. While researching I found several cases of women who wanted a raise and apologized to their boss for even asking. Why apologize for something you have worked hard to ask for? I can fully admit that I have this issue at work and although I’m just an undergrad who works at part-time jobs that relate in no way to my future plans, recognizing and attempting to stop my over-apologizing could save me from future problems.

But it isn’t just a problem at work either. My personal life has definitely suffered because of my inability to stand up for myself. Over-apologizing sends everyone in your life the message that you’re ineffectual and have low self-esteem, which is dangerous knowledge in the wrong hands. Engel goes on further to say that, “It can give a certain kind of person permission to treat you poorly, or even abuse you.” I can relate to this on a personal level.

I have stuck around time after time with people who did not deserve my time because I whole-heartedly accepted all of our issues as mine and mine alone. I would try harder to be likeable, less emotional, less of a problem so that everyone else’s life would be easier. I read an article in the New York Times about a woman who repeatedly kept getting food that she did not like/nor ask for in a restaurant. The woman ended her story with this: By the time a plate of edible food appeared, my fork had been a casualty of the confusion. Unable to catch the waiter’s eye, I walked to the kitchen, where I apologized to a busboy.

This spoke to me. It really did. I have always apologized in situations where simply speaking out and asking for what I really wanted felt like “too much” or an “inconvenience.” I mean here was a situation that deserved recognition -- she wasn’t happy with her food. She wasn’t being rude or hostile, she simply wanted something else and yet, she felt horrible. She felt like she didn’t deserve the right to speak up and ask for something else even though this was something she was paying for with her own hard earned money.

The message I am trying to get across is simply this: I matter, my feelings matter and at the end of the day, not everything is my fault. Not every situation is worthy of an apology. This is all easier said than believed or done, but now that I know how serious this issue is, I can work harder to become the confident woman I know I can be. My goal is that someday when I encourage my little siblings and friends to be more confident and to stand up for themselves, I won’t be quite so hypocritical and will be doing that for myself too. All I can do is try my absolute best to be better, wiser and stronger than I was the day before and to never, ever apologize for that.