We’ve all had that friend who drains us. Perhaps you enjoy their company most of the time, but after too long in their company, they drive you up the wall. Or maybe you were extremely close at one point, and they still hold a special place in your heart, but now you prefer to keep them at a distance. Of course, we all have acquaintances in classes or through work who we enjoy being around, but we never exactly click with and never devote much effort or time to. That’s not who I’m talking about. I’m talking about people in whom you’ve invested and who have returned the favor. I’ve had to make the conscious decision to cut people out of my life several times and I no longer feel guilty.
When I was younger, I wanted to be nice to everyone. I wanted everyone to be my friend and to like me, so I was very careful with potential disagreements and confrontations. I tried to make everyone happy, even going as far as compromising my own opinions and values so I’d be liked and accepted. At the end of the day, I would feel myself in a moral and sometimes ethical, struggle. Other friends and acquaintances simply drained my energy within only an hour or so. Others still, I just didn’t like who I was around them. Maybe in the moment they were fun, but I wasn’t proud of who I was around them when all was said and done. And there were still others who I realized I just didn’t have as much in common with as we’d hoped. Lastly, there have been a few who I recognized late in the relationship that things were very one-sided in their favor. In any case, they somehow became toxic to my well-being.
Through my foggy memories of my adolescence, I can clearly recall at least six friendships that ended. Of course, we all lose touch with friends throughout the years, but these were deliberate, conscious decisions made on my part as a result of some change of heart or moment of emotional clarity. And then, more than once in my young adulthood, I did a “spring cleaning” of my social groups where I ditched the entire social circle altogether.
I’m not saying that I suddenly disliked any of these people, or that I didn’t appreciate their friendship. I very much valued their camaraderie at the time, others even still to this day. I simply found myself at a point where their companionship no longer filled that niche in my heart. I know that sounds cliché and incredibly cheesy. But their company was no longer filling a void within me. It was often due to an epiphany or leap in maturity on my part. Maybe being in their company made me feel self-conscious or I felt that spending time with them brought me down. No matter the situation, it’s been a steep learning curve, as life’s lessons usually are.
Eventually, I figured out the formula for friendship. It’s a fine balance between exchanging ideas, opinions, experiences, and feelings without compromising my own values. It takes time to discover the fine art of standing your ground without hurting the friendship. And I think the vast majority, for me, was knowing who I am. Now that I’ve developed a strong internal sense of “me” and what I stand for, it’s much easier not to lose myself in my relationships with others. I know my limits and am no longer afraid to set boundaries. I know that any disagreements with friends can be talked out in a free, calm exchange of ideas, without our voices being lost or unvalued. I still don’t enjoy confrontation, but I’ve learned how to show my pals that we can disagree respectfully, like the adults that we are.
When it comes down to it, Live and Let Live is often the best policy for me. I felt bad for walking away from each of these people at the time, even if it was under unfortunate circumstances. But over the years, I realized that we were what each other needed at the time. Some friendships just run their course. And there’s nothing wrong with that. So I no longer feel guilty about leaving these toxic people in my past. If only it were that easy with family.
