I turned down the second date. I broke up with them. I deleted some of their phone numbers. Some of them became my friends. But these guys that I shared small or big moments of my time with just weren’t enough. They couldn’t encourage the person I truly am deep in my bones. They could never understand me and they weren’t enough to support me.
They never got it.
They would say things like, “You are utterly beautiful tonight” but they didn’t understand that my true beauty glistened from within my soul and shone brightly in orange and yellow auras around me.
They would say things like, “You work too hard, you really should take care of yourself” but they didn’t understand that working was my passion and perfectionism is what made me proud of myself, even if I did get tired from time to time.
They would say things like, “You are so cute and funny when you rant on” but they didn’t understand that laughter was my cure for the pain, that I made things funny when I didn’t understand something or when I was frustrated and that what I really need when I rant is a few calming words.
They would say things like, “Let me come over you and cuddle with you until you feel better” but what they didn’t understand was that I didn’t want to be coddled, and that I need my space in times of sadness so that I can feel strong again.
They would see the passion in my eyes as adorable and not inspiring.
They would see my use of big words as intelligence when I was using them to feel confident.
They would see my cynicism as negativity when I was just frustrated because I didn’t understand something.
They would try to fix me right away when I was angry when what I needed was space.
These men were always in love with the idea of me, but they weren’t in love with me.
It’s not as though they were bad people. They weren’t. I never cut ties with someone because I hated them. I may have talked bad about them or called them names, especially in my early relationships because I was frustrated for not understanding them or meeting my standards, but I never truly hated them. They never really treated me badly or gave me a reason to hate them. It was just the simple fact that I knew the love was only surface level even though it felt like it was skin deep. We never had this superficial love on purpose, we wanted that kind of love that sees past the wrinkles and the grey hair in the future but we can’t have that with just anyone, can we?
And so I say to the guys who never made it. Don’t feel down trodden and don’t think it was out of spite. It’s because I’ll never settle for anything less than I deserve and I’m sure you wouldn’t either; because you saw me as less than I was and you would be with the image of someone who was less than you deserved.
