Every once and a while I decide to spoil myself and go to Starbucks. I don’t do too well with cream, so I often just get a Venti Iced Cold Brew and maybe a shot of vanilla. It seems that every time I go to Starbucks, they are out of Cold Brew. Every time! I can’t imagine what they are doing with all of this Cold Brew. Yeah, Yeah. I understand that they steep the coffee for 600 hundred hours and only give it compliments. I get it. I understand “limited quantity … blah blah blah”. I got it. I just don’t believe you.
I’ve got a hunch something odd is going on here. I’ve come up with a few, plausible reasons that they are always out of the cold brew. I won’t be fooled by their weak cover story. Their alibi just doesn’t make sense.
1. The employees are bathing in it like Cleopatra did with milk & honey
I think that the employees hoard huge bathtubs full of cold brew in the back. At the end of their shift, they sink into their refreshing caffeine bath and laugh. They believe this will rejuvenate their skin and keep their skin looking youthful. The back room is just a lavish bathhouse for the employees. They sit around speaking Starbucks’s language (think pseudo-Latin) and laughing at the poor souls who drink gas station coffee.
2. All local governments have put a secret mandate out that all government employees can only drink Cold Brew
The milk and sugar that the employees have been consuming have been wreaking havoc on all local government buildings plumbing. The surrounding municipalities can’t take the expenses any more. So thus, the great Central Ohio Cold Brew Shortage of 2017 began, also known as the COCBS. These are dark times, ladies and gents. The government is secretly causing a shortage. Any economist knows that with a shortage there has to be some government intervention, but what if… It was the government that was causing the shortage. Ahhh, the horror! Write your senators. The Cold Brew Shortage horrors must stop!
3. Or, a group of new-age religious caffeine enema worshipers have discovered cold brew’s higher than average caffeine content
They have realized it’s life giving powers. It began by a simple accident. I can’t go into detail. But this was how the Starbucks cold brew enema came into existence. Since that very day, it has gained a following like none other. The worshipers need their daily caffeine devotional.
I can only assume this is why Starbucks is out of Cold Brew. Something is going on that they aren’t telling us. Share your thoughts and concerns. This atrocity must be handled immediately. The world deserves its cold brew!
