A few days ago, my Personal Wellness class had students do an assignment where everyone had to keep a food journal for one week. We had to write down every single thing that went through our mouth–food, liquids, medicine, recreational drugs, etc. (Of course, sexually related things were an exception, as told by our teacher.) It just so happened a few days before this assignment was planned, I’d gone on a random and impulsive Target trip for some popcorn and candy for a casual movie night I was hoping to have later the upcoming week.

Our teacher told us he’d seen some pretty unhealthy choices throughout the years and reassured us we didn’t have to worry or be embarrassed about showing him journal entries we felt were going to be far from healthy. He wasn’t going to grade us on the kinds of things we’d be consuming, but just on how well and detailed we’d be logging the entries down, which would also include jotting down our emotional status during the consumption. He wanted the purpose of this assignment to be for seeing our own patterns and why we do them. Hearing this, I felt a bit relieved. I wasn’t really concerned with trying to make my journal as “healthy” or perfect. I just wanted it to be honest.

As the days went by, I wouldn’t say the things I consumed were too bad. I had a fever coming on so it consisted of a lot of soup, H2O and a good amount of fruits and veggies. But something I did begin notice looking at my logged entries were those gummy bears. Remember I told you about that impulsive Target trip? And the candy I bought? Yup. It was a 14 oz. pack of Haribo gummy bears. They were out to get me. I began to notice whenever I’d find myself in social gatherings like meetings, hangouts, class–this was the time I’d be eating junky stuff. Mostly sweets, like those gummy bears. It wasn’t a crazy amount like I needed help for an addiction or something, but the same emotional status kept popping up after eating those guys. “Sick stomach, regretful of eating more than one.” I snuck in a handful during a school organization meeting, I popped a few into my mouth during economics class, and I nibbled on some when I was talking to my roommates. This incident has actually happened to be in all forms–chips, popcorn, ice cream, french fries, sushi etc. This time it was the gummy bears.

I mean, I’ve grown up with a sensitive stomach, meaning I’ve always felt sick after eating popcorn (microwave or movie theater, it doesn’t matter) super sweet things, bagged chips, and really oily foods. But the silly thing is, no matter how many times I’ve experienced having ridiculous stomach aches and temporary declarations of “I’m never going to eat that again,” assuming I really wouldn’t, I end up eating the same thing again after I’ve been recovered for a while. I have a bad habit of going back to certain things I know will make my stomach hurt afterwards. Why is it that we always go back to something knowing it’s going to make us feel sick in the end? Knowing isn’t the best thing for us?

Eating totally unhealthy will temporarily have our taste buds feeling good, but feeling physically and mentally bad later on; while eating totally healthy will have us feeling good–physically and mentally, but may leave us craving for something we’ll tell ourselves we can’t have.

Well here you go: there’s no perfect diet that’ll leave you feeling truly happy. There’s a unique balance to everything. A different portion for everything and everyone. I need to realize a 14 oz. bag of gummy bears wasn’t mine. One little bear for me will suffice.