As you may know, I've been engaged for nearly two years. With our wedding next year, I've started to get more planning focused. Of course, this includes wedding dress shopping. This part is the most nerve wracking to me because I have the self-esteem of a very ugly potato. I'm just not super confident in my body, and I'm sure some of you can, sadly, relate to that.

I first went out shopping with my future mother-in-law as well as a bridesmaid/future sister-in-law. I narrowed my choices down to four dresses that I immensely loved for very different reasons. Indecisive being that I am, I left the store empty handed. A few weeks later I went dress shopping with my mother and I found a dress. This dress:

I fell in love. It was lace all over like I wanted. It didn't show parts of my arms that bothered me. There was an elegant train. But the thing that really got me? It made me look like some sort of goddess, giving me a waist I didn't know I had. I loved it.

It was a dress that was out of my price range (never do that to yourselves, ladies, just don't do it), but the real reason I said no to the dress was because I couldn't handle the pressure. The dress made me look gorgeous, but I couldn't breathe. The corset creating my figure did not allow me to take a fully deep breath. Sitting was a little snug. I wanted to pay that small price for such beauty, but I couldn't do it. I know myself too well.

I knew that if I had purchased that dress I would have spent the next year worrying about every food I put in my mouth. I stress eat and have no thyroid — I couldn't afford to gain a single pound with this dress. Even now without having purchased the dress I think dumb things like, "yeah, definitely wouldn't have fit that dress now" and "how could you have thought your arms would look good?"

Please note, I'm not at all saying this is a bad reason to purchase a dress, but for me, I said no to the dress because its main appeal was how thin it made me look. To me getting married is about becoming one with the person you're called to be with and so when I get married I want to be wearing something that feels like me.

Maybe my self-esteem is lying by telling me I can't handle something so "sexy," but all I know is that when I walk down the aisle, I'll be wearing a dress that feels like me... and that lets me breathe a little.

Now please excuse me while I once again pine for the dress I can never let be.