Ten thousand things blew through my mind at the speed of light. My breath caught in my throat and a deep pain began to well from within me. Fear was pulsing through my veins as if I was staring down a cliff. I wasn't facing certain death, though, I was wrapped in your arms and with every word you said my world seemed to cave in around me more and more. I wanted to fight this, form words in my mouth to give you some sort of assurance that I was head over heels for you but I couldn't. I ran because I have attachment issues.
When people ask me what I want to do in life I tell them an elaborate plan of traveling the world through photography. My Dad's early death to Alzheimer's had set a deep obsession with photography into my subconscious and I wasn't satisfied with staying in any one place. "Well, where would you want to settle down?" Nowhere. I don't want to stay in any place too long. I want to see the world. I wanted to run for the rest of my life if I can.
Why? Gosh, thats a hard one. Because I lost everything at one point. I watched my Dad become nothing but some dirt in a fancy piece of china. I lost my grandmother two months later with Christmas presents under the tree for her still. I watched my Mother go emotionally numb and back again and later I watched my relationship wash down some figurative drain of my life. Everything that I have ever loved unconditionally had disappeared.
I thought about this for three weeks after I ran because I didn't understand myself. Why wasn't I ready for a relationship? I had been out of a relationship for a year. That was enough time right? But it's not. It won't be. It's not about the previous relationship or how devastating the breakup was. It's not about my maturity level or if I have too many things going on in my life to focus. It's about not being ready.
It's been really difficult to admit this to myself because I really do miss having that unconditional love. I miss having someone's arms to run into when I feel defeated. I miss having someone who forgives me for my mistakes and loves me even when I don't deserve it. When the holidays come around I will miss having a second family to spend with. I miss having that one person that is crazy enough to follow me to the end of the world.
But I am not ready. I'm still trying to figure out who I am. Am I kind or was I kind because I had someone's emotions to consider? Am I brave or did I just always have someone telling me I could do it. Am I actually worth a damn or did someone just convince me that I was?
I don't know. And so I ran.
