This will be the second birthday without my Mom. To be honest, if it was not written on my calendar, my family and boyfriend did not bring it up and the memories on Facebook were not there, I probably would not even realize it was around the corner. I don't look forward to my birthday anymore. Sure, I am glad that I am alive and got to spend another year making memories, but you see, my Mother is the only reason my birthday even exists.

Birthdays before my Mom died were about counting the candles on the birthday cake. Birthdays after my Mom died are spent counting how many birthdays it's been without her. That number is 2. Two birthdays without her here.

Birthdays before my Mom died meant presents. Birthdays after my Mom died means understanding the gift I want the most will never be feasible. If you were to ask me what I want for my birthday and wanted a real response I would say, "the only present I want is another day with my Mom." But no amount of wishes on a cake will make that happen.

So instead I offer a letter to you, Mom. I'll write you a letter to tell everyone just how much you meant and still mean to me.

To my Mother on my birthday:

Hey Mom! My birthday is next weekend - but I know you know that already. Mom, trying to celebrate my birthday without you doesn't feel right. I need you. Not just today, but always. Your absence has changed so many things. As I think about my birthday approaching I think about the day you gave birth to me. No, of course I don't remember that day but I wonder if you knew just how much I'd love you. To this day, I am still inspired by your unconditional love and support.

Mom I wish you could be here for every celebration, not just my birthdays. I wish you could have met my boyfriend, the love of my life. I wish you could celebrate us moving in together. I wish you could be with me to celebrate my future - my graduate school graduation, my wedding, my first child and so much more.

Thank you Mom. Thank you Mom for being my biggest fan. For supporting me through friend drama, boy problems, cheering me on through school and landing my first job. Thank you for somehow always knowing. For knowing when something went wrong and helping me through whatever it was. Thank you for comforting me like only a mother can. For letting me stay home and pretend I was sick in high school because you knew I needed a mental health day. For answering my late night calls in college. For comforting me through my first year of teaching. For letting me make mistakes and consoling me through them.

Thank you Mom for giving me life. Thank you for giving me the opportunity to be who I am.

I miss you every second of every day. I love you with all my heart, forever and always.

xo Ally