Modern romance is actually quite casual, yet monogamy is still the ideal end point in mostly everyone's minds. It's the centerpiece of nearly any story, a happily ever after between two people, always in a traditional heterosexual relationship. People love the idea of soul mates, that there's somebody out there made exactly perfect to fit them and that once they manage to find this person everything will fall into place like magic. Like it's meant to be. People enter and exit relationships more frequently than jobs these days, yet most wouldn't consider any of these true love. True love is finding that soulmate, finding the perfect person and letting everything fall into place. And true love is rare, something we might be lucky to find or experience once in our life, if we're one of the lucky ones.
This, more or less, summarizes my perception of modern romantic love. I also should point out that I might not be as qualified to write an article about love as I'm practically a virgin as well as have been celibate for years, as well as have never been in any relationship of any sort, yet in my 23 years I have observed all of my friends go through countless relationships—and sometimes an outside observation can provide incredibly accurate insights due to its lack of bias.
Anyways, the cornerstone of most relationships (societally acceptable ones, at least) is monogamy. It seems that for two people to engage in intimate relations it has to rely upon a tacit contract of exclusivity, that the two of you will only have sexual relations with each other as long as this relationship works.
Now, monogamy is certainly a very important part of any serious relationship, as I thoroughly believe that nothing is more important in a relationship than honesty and respect. When I say I think monogamy is pointless people immediately assume I mean excessive polygamy and that we should all just freely fornicate with each other constantly. This is not the case.
The thing is, love is about empowerment, not restriction. Within finding somebody we can share our deepest secrets and desires with we can find a massive amount of empowerment, finding a partner in crime and a reliable teammate for all of life's challenges. Respecting that person's feelings and being honest about how you feel is key to helping each other thrive.
But things like jealousy and envy and poisoned and destroyed more relationships than I could care to count. When we try to restrict something the natural response is to rebel, and we see this constantly within monogamous relationships. Eventually attempting to restrict one another reaches a breaking point, and this is the root cause of most break ups it seems.
Why should something as beautiful as love have to end in a bloody whirlwind of screaming tears and broken dishes? People seem to hate their exes more than most other people in their lives, yet at one point in time, that was somebody that they were considering spending their entire life with. How immature is that?
The thing about love is, it's infinite. Monogamy itself imposes a strict limit on the love we can express, funneling it to one person. If we choose this naturally, which we likely will in many points in many serious relationships, it implies no harm. But when we superimpose it upon all love and act as if it’s the only way to love we start seeing problems.
People are raped inside of their relationships more often than we know, and this is a direct result of the entitlement to another that monogamy entails. Consent cannot be coerced, yet within relationships, sex is constantly coerced from one party in one form or another. Consent is an ongoing process, not a one-time contract that stands until it’s terminated via a gnarly breakup.
The one clear benefit of monogamy that is forcefully imposed is for raising children. The benefits of growing up in a stable household are far more than I will go into detail with here, yet in this day and age, the last thing our planet really needs is more babies.
Once again, monogamy is an essential part of love yet it is certainly not the framework for all sorts of romantic love, and we ought to make and realize that distinction. I'm not saying that we all ought to have sex with each other with reckless abandon, more that we ought to be more open, honest and sincere in all of our relationships and focus on empowering each other as opposed to locking each other down. Love is our greatest natural resource, let's take the restrictions off of it.
