Ugh, millennials (1980-1994) and Gen Next (1995-onward). What is their problem? Such bad dressing and eating habits, such poor grades, low motivation and whiny attitudes! Addicted to their phones, to coffee and awful music. I think we can all agree it's time to apologize and grow up.
I mean, after all, this hipster culture is ridiculous. Wanting to buy things from local sources and support small businesses? Why? Why do that when you can feed commercialism and big businesses and corporations and buy poor quality food stuffed chock-full of wonderful chemicals and cheap, overpriced products thrown together by mistreated workers in China? Pfft, no brainer. Who would even want to put a little extra money down if it meant helping the local economy and entrepreneurs and getting better quality food and products?
Oh, and don't forget their obsession with coffee. It's definitely worse than the good old days when people were addicted to cigarettes, and coffee culture is definitely not at all something that's been a part of history since the 1600s. And if you have to get coffee, why pay money for local shops when you can get pre-ground Folgers in a pretty plastic can that makes your fridge smell like old damp grounds?
And their music! So sexed up and noisy! Not at all like the explicit music of the late '60s through '80s. Not at all. It was much better back then when people fried their brains with acid and drugs at huge outdoor concerts and ran around naked. Much better than those energizing bass beats in their music that they listen to while working out and running. Their lyrics are terrible. Expressing frustration with the world they live in is no match for sappy synthesized love songs like from former eras.
And sheesh, it's time they start picking up the pace with school! Their grades are terrible! They need to do something about it and stop excusing themselves with the fact that the previous generations are the one who wrecked the school system with heavy homework expectations, obsessions with standardized testing and cutting teachers' wages. No. Those are poor excuses and it's more than time they sucked it up and started performing.
What's the deal with not getting jobs, too? Forget the fact that jobs are hard to come by these days and that the economy is a disaster. It's time for them to get out there and work, even if their school and sports take up hours and hours of their time. After all, we need twenty year olds in the work force (with just as many years of experience, too). Besides, they need to be responsible for the hundreds of thousands of dollars in student debt that their parents and schools gave them the opportunity to take on along with the chance to get a job that might pay a few dollars an hour more than their high school fast food job. Better get cracking, too. That student debt might take a decade to pay off, and it's their fault, too, because they're lazy and ungrateful for the chance at higher education they've been given. Forget the fact their schools don't teach them how to handle basic finances or how to write checks, pay taxes, or fill out forms. They can figure it out themselves.
They also need to stop acting so cultured, trying to branch out in their decorating and lifestyles with looks and habits from other cultures. They need to remember the linoleum and plastic America they came from and appreciate it more.
And all these protests? Please. Peaceful protests against racism and other headline issues are just a bunch of noise compared to the riots against Vietnam and other protests held in the past. Calm down and go home. Deal with the fact that the political system is clearly your fault even though many of you grew up with these politicians already in office and some of you can't even vote yet. It's still your fault.
Their relationships are terrible. Going out and doing things they shouldn't together. Not at all justifiable like the hookup culture of the '80s or the free love movement of the '60s.
And their health sensitivities! Who needs all these medications and dietary specifications? They definitely don't have anything to do with the fact that stress, depression and anxiety are often hereditary and that digestive systems are screwed up by the amount of sugar and chemicals put in their food. Deal with it.
And their manners! They should listen to their parents who mostly never taught them this stuff and to their schools that never taught them this stuff and definitely not to the media they were fed all their lives written by older generations that depicted adults as stupid idiots who want to prevent them from living better lives. They should just accept the fact people will look down on them because they behave in all the ways above-mentioned.
Come on, kids. Time to move on from the piles of toys and privileges the older generations gave you and take on the piles of debt and the messed up society they're now giving you instead. Who cares you're the first generation to eat consciously healthily and to live worse off than your parents since the Great Depression and speak out against oppression with force and to not swallow what the media says and to master advanced technology and that you have hundreds of thousands of dollars in debt you didn't want? Grow up.
*note from the author: this post is satire.
