I didn’t end up with my “forever” and that’s just fine

When I was 14 I met the boy that would change everything for me. He was a freshman on varsity football, and one of the funniest people I have ever met, and popular much more so than I was. Little did I know this boy was about to be it for me. After meeting, things turned from friendship to love in about .5 seconds (I was 14, what can I say). This was the first boy I ever said “I love you” to, the first boy, the only boy I have ever truly loved.

We loved each other to the highest extent that you can when you don’t even have a license or any freedom without your parents. We spoke on video chat for hours each night and talked about our futures, like we had any idea what would actually happen. And we fought the hardest I have ever fought for anything. We fought about clothes, we fought about movies, we fought about other girls, other guys, our myspace top 8s, comments on facebook, you name it we fought about it.

We had a beautiful time together, it was really the most I have ever felt for anyone and then things ended horribly.

He came back in and out of my life for the next 6 years, and we fell into the pattern of loving and leaving each other over and over again. My heart was consistently aching until I turned 21.

The truth is, meeting someone when you’re 14, ruins them for you. You meet them as a child, you have no clue what hardships life is going to throw at you and you aren’t even living in the real world yet. As a 14 year old, you tell someone you’re going to marry your significant other, you truly believe it; but at 14 you only have to worry about the vans you are going to get for sadie hawkins that year, not the college that you are going to be attending, or the amount a plane ticket is when you live 1,000 miles away from your boyfriend.

When I turned 18 he broke me and this was truly the last time I thought I would ever see my “forever”. I chose a college I knew he would never have supported me going to in response to this breakup. I started going out more and more with my friends and even fell into partial like with a few other guys along the way. I was happy, but I would still get sad about the fact that I really thought I lost my "soulmate", the only guy I would ever truly want to be with was out of the picture.

Again, as the cycle went, I let him back in, we had a great few months of long distance until he decided that we didn’t and just like that things were over again.

That’s when I knew I lost my forever.

And it took years, but now, Im okay with it.

I lost my forever because in all reality, I met my "person" when I was 14, and you can’t fight for someone who was your perfect match when you were 14 years old when you’re 22. People grow up and grow into different people, and he did, and so did I. But we were fighting for something and for someone that just wasn’t us anymore. Maybe I was delusional to keep fighting for it, but in the end it turned me into a stronger person for it.

I thank him for loving me, because I know I will never have that type of love again, The good, the horrible, and the ugly parts of it.

I loved being in love, but I also hated it, that empty feeling you got when you were being ignored by the person you love so much and how it eats you alive. The pit in your stomach when you know something is wrong. I loved being in love, but now, I love myself more.

This relationship and every other quasi relationship I’ve been a part of since has taught me to depend on myself. I needed these relationships in order to show me the only person who was ever going to truly help me, was me. I will miss him and those good times we had forever, but for now, I’m more excited for my own future, not the one I planned with anyone else. I have goals I set for myself, ones I would have never set or achieved while living my life for someone else. I workout more, I eat better, I sleep at normal hours because I’m not waiting for a text or a call, I read more books. I learned that It was okay for me to grow, to change my hair, to dress different and even change my taste in music, because that’s what made me into a better version of myself. Everyone keeps telling me I’m the best I have ever looked, that’s because I stopped focusing on how to make someone else happy and started focusing on what makes me happy. You are who gets yourself up in the morning, you are the person who decides if this is going to be a good day or a good life, and thats something that took time but I finally understand.

I’ve finally found out who me is and, I’m just fine with that.