In improvisation, or acting without a script, the tenth commandment is "When thy faith is low, thy spirit weak, thy good fortune strained, and thy team losing, be comforted and smile, because it just doesn't matter." Over the years, especially so in recent months, I've learned the true meaning of this saying. My personal experience with this quote may be vastly different than most people, but it has every ability to apply to anyone's situation.

This is my senior year. I am a (somewhat) proud member of the Class of 2017. According to my latest version of my transcript, I am 19th in my class. But do you know what? It just doesn't matter. Once I graduate, none of these past twelve years of school will have meant anything. What I mean is, none of the drama, spilled tea, fights I've witnessed, failed relationships, or being talked to by my teachers in the hall will have any effect on how I live my adult life. Yes, I am taking into account that my adolescent years "shaped me into who I am today," or whatever mumbo-jumbo you want to force through my skull. I simply mean that the one time my freshman English teacher took me into the hall because I wasn't following directions, no matter how wrong she was, doesn't hold any weight on job or college résumés.

Fun fact: I'm not doing the National Honor Society (NHS) this year. And do you know why? It just doesn't matter. I didn't feel like writing the page-long essay that I had to write in order to join NHS. I have enough credits on my transcript to have graduated last year. I have a résumé chock full of theatrical credits. Since I intend to major in Stage Management at UCF or Columbia or NYU or wherever may accept me, I don't feel as though NHS would be my crowning achievement. I already have credits that apply to what I want to do in life. Why would I need NHS on a résumé?

Fairly recently, and importantly, I've come to the realization that a lot of my family is nuckin' futs. The queen of the family insanity is the very woman who created me. Her youth was riddled with her parents getting divorced and remarried to evil stepparents, couch-hopping with family members, etc. I was created by her taking part in an affair with a married man, my dad. This is not an excuse for him; however, I should add that he and my stepmom have been together for 28 years and have been wonderful to me, with some exceptions to be expanded upon at another time. Anyway, my mom has a few great catchphrases, such as "I will always be your mother," (well, duh.) "They [my dad and stepmom] are trying to take you away from me," (um, you're the one who moved 1,000 miles away with me when I was 2 years old so that my dad could never see me again) and "I will always support you," (it's not like you defended me when my grandparents call their friends "homos" and are so devoutly old-ways Catholic that they know I'm going to burn in hell no matter what I do; and it's not like you have ever sat through an entire performance of mine, even when you did live close to me, without peacing out before curtain call, all the while nitpicking it to shreds the next morning; and it's not like you moved back to New Jersey, without a stable job or place to stay except your mother's house, the day before my birthday Freshman year, or as I affectionately call it "The Suicidal Year."). With all of this said, can anyone fancy a guess at what I think about it? Anyone?

It just doesn't matter.

For years, I was convinced that she was the only thing I had. Until she left, I had no clue how psychologically cruel she was to me. Now that my eyes are open, I know that what she has conditioned me to say just doesn't matter.

To those out there who know me, you know that it is very hard to change my mind on the major decisions of my life, such as staying in Florida while my mother left to New Jersey. In this case, I have no intention to ever speak to my mother again. She was served a contract stating that, because she moved to New Jersey, my dad doesn't have to pay child support (since she is no longer around to directly support me) and all she is required to pay is my health insurance and my phone bill, as well as transportation for her to see me once a month, depending on if she can afford it and if our schedules allow. Since the creation of this contract, I have been to New Jersey as a result of her planning trips at most a dozen times. This is starting back in February 2014. I guarantee she has done $0 worth of saving in order to see me, yet has every capability of saving. She doesn't have rent or bills to pay other than what little she has left on her car and the phone bill. Insurance is covered by the company she works for! I see no excuse for her not to save just a little, even $20 every pay period can afford a weekend round-trip.

So, at this point, I intend to cut all of my ties to her. Once I am 18, I will be financially stable enough to pay for my own phone bill and I am in the process of making a plan for my insurance. And I can do this because it just doesn't matter. The sooner I can embrace the fact that the years of suffering by her hands and words mean nothing anymore, the sooner I can grow above her words. I am not some "drama queen." I am not a "f****t." I accept myself for being a theatre nerd, and I intend to go to college and succeed in the theatre industry out of spite. Unlike my mother, I won't be living with my parents at 42. The world is my oyster, and the struggles just don't matter.